[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Michael and Joey are sitting on the couch playing a baseball video game.]
Michael: And stee-rike three!
Joey: This is so unrealistic. Derek Jeter doesn’t strike out on three curve balls in a row.
Michael: Did you know that the laws of physics suggest that the curve ball is actually impossible?
Joey: Why do you have to ruin stuff like that? Huh? The curve ball is impossible. Don’t eat that, it’s solid mold. That’ not a dog, it’s a possum. Stop letting it lick your face. Why?!
Michael: I gotta get to school.
Joey: Dude, let me let you in on a little secret. You don’t live with your mom anymore. You don’t have to go to school. Stay here. We’ll have fun.
Michael: Man, I really have to finish some work.
Joey: So you can work here. There’s a comfy couch. A lamp. Pens. What else do you need?
Michael: A Cray T3-E 1200 Super Computer.
Joey: The lamp has three settings. Look, I just-I don’t have anyone to hang out with here. Do you have to go to school every day? Isn’t the teacher ever sick or you get, like, a snow day or something?
Michael: There are not too many snow days in LA. Although it’s funny that you mention that, ‘cause I’m studying a climate-change scenario right now where the polar ice caps melt, and-
Joey: Oh, just go!
Joey: (Sits on the couch and gives a game controller to Hugsy] I know I can beat you. Ah, stee-rike! This is a new low.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey is climbing the stone shelves above his fireplace, but one piece breaks off in his hand and he falls. Gina walks in.]
Gina: Did you break another piece off the wall?
Joey: It’s just begging to be climbed!
Gina: I just wanted to drop off Michael’s laundry. I gotta get back to the salon.
Joey: You’re going in this late?
Gina: Yeah, my first client cancelled. God rest her soul.
Joey: I was hoping you could stay. I was thinking maybe we could hang out.
Gina: Why, is something wrong?
Joey: I like LA and all, but being between projects, and not knowing that many people yet, I’m kinda lonely. How are you supposed to make friends as an adult?
Gina: Have you met anybody nice in the building?
Joey: Well, there actually is this one guy, Jake. He lives across the courtyard. He seems really cool.
Gina: Well have you talked to him?
Joey: Kinda, yeah. I’ve talked to him a couple times by the mailboxes. He’s always goin’ out to play basketball with his friends. Man, if I knew them I could play ball with them too. Assuming they also suck.
Gina: So why don’t you be friends with him?
Joey: Yeah, why don’t I just catch a rainbow and put it in my pocket.
Gina: Oh come on, it should be easy for you. It’s like picking up a girl. How do you do that?
Joey: I don’t know. I kinda go into a zone you know. I just start talking to a girl and the next thing you know I’m sneaking out of her apartment.
Gina: Hey maybe you and Michael should have a party, like a housewarming. Invite the whole building. Have Jake come.
Joey: Yeah, that’s a great idea. I can call Jake right now. I know from the mailboxes that his last name is Morgan. Huh? (Points to his head) More than just a hat rack, Gina. (Starts looking through the phonebook) Okay, Morgan, Morgan.. Shoot, there’s like ten J. Morgans. If only I knew his address. (Laughs) Here’s a guy with the same address as me. (Realizing) Right. Got it. I’m on it. I’m on it. (Starts to dial, but then hears someone dribbling a basketball outside) Do you hear that? That might be Jake. Should I go talk to him?
Gina: Go, Joey. Go grab your rainbow.
[Joey runs outside]
Joey: Jake, Jake! Hey, what’s up, man?
Jake: Joey, right?
Joey: Well, my friends call me J-Bird. Uh, anyway, my roommate and I are having a little party Thursday for everyone in the building.
Jake: Oh yeah, sure I’ll stop by.
Joey: Awesome. Yeah, you won’t be sorry. The J-Bird throws a great party.
Joey: Why do I keep calling myself that? Hold it together, J-bird!
[Scene : Michael and Joey’s house. Gina and Joey are getting ready for the party. Alex walks in]
Alex: Hey Joey.
Gina: What, you don’t say hello to me?
Alex: Oh! I didn’t even see you there. Hello! Hello! Your skin is so beautiful.
Alex: Yeah, right. (To Joey) So listen, I know you’re having a party tonight. So I just wanted to drop off a list of rules about noise and parking and stuff.
Joey: You know you’re invited, right?
Alex: Oh, okay! (Crumples up the list)
Michael: Oh, hey Alex.
Alex: Hi, Michael.
Gina: Who were you on the phone with?
Michael: Did you ever meet Seth from college?
Gina: Was he the home-schooled kid with the glasses or the Asian kid allergic to light?
Michael: I don’t think you ever met him. He’s this super-competitive guy. He just called to gloat about this fellowship he won. Like I hadn’t already read about it in the American Journal of Astrophysics!
Joey: By the way, can we please get some new magazines for the bathroom?
Michael: I mentioned the party to him, thinking he’s never going to come. Not only is he coming now, he wants to bring his girlfriend.
Michael: You don’t understand. If Seth Tobin has a girlfriend, it means..Oh God, it means I’m the last guy from my group of friends at school to have a serious relationship. The last!
Joey: Even after the allergic-to-light guy?
Michael: Arthur Trang does all right. I mean, if you tell a girl, “We have to sit here in the dark or I’ll die” stuff happens.
Joey: That is going right in the arsenal!
Michael: God, I’m so sick of Seth beating me all the time. You know what it’s like to have someone like you, but just a little bit better?
Joey: Yeah. Johnny Depp.
Michael: I don’t even want to go tonight.
Joey: What?! This is our party. The whole reason to have it was to do something together.
Michael: I thought this party was for Jake.
Joey: That’s right! Jake is coming!
Gina: You know what? You need a girlfriend tonight? I don’t know this Seth guy. I’ll be your girlfriend.
Michael: Okay mom, no!
Gina: What, we could be a couple! (To Joey and Alex) Aren’t we a cute couple?
Alex: People go to jail for things like that.
Michael: Seriously Mom, stop.
Gina: You don’t think I’m sexy enough? I mean, come on. This is a body of a 22 year old. (Lifts up her shirt to show her stomach) I mean, look how tight my-
Alex: Please stop!
Gina: What did you say?
Alex: Well, first of all, oh so tight! And uh, I could do it.
Michael: You’d really do that for me?
Alex: Yeah, I could be your girlfriend. I mean, after all, my husband’s out of town. I could use a date.
Gina: Alex, you’re a married woman, is that really appropriate?
Joey: You know the word “appropriate”?
Michael: Well um Alex, I mean, if you’d come with me tonight, I’d really appreciate that.
Gina: Big step down, but whatever!
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. The part is starting, and Alex walks in.]
Alex: Hey, your fake girlfriend’s here.
Michael: Oh, is that what you’re wearing? I just thought you were going to show a little more skin.
Alex: Well sometimes what you don’t see is even sexier.
Joey: Yeah, only women think that.
Michael: (To Alex) No, I’m sorry. You look great. I’m just a little nervous about tonight, that’s all. Uh, maybe we should get our stories strait. I mean, if we blow this, Seth..he’ll never let me hear the end of it.
Alex: Okay um, my middle name is Julia. I grew up in-
Michael: Oh actually, I had some thoughts about your backstory. (Hands Alex some note cards)
Alex: My backstory? (Reading off one of the cards) “Veronica Rockefeller. Neurosurgeon slash bikini model.” (To Michael)I’m sorry, am I not good enough for you?
Michael: No! No!
Alex: (Reading the card again) “For believability, please lower your age to thirty?”
Alex: I’m 28!
[Cut to Joey waiting for Jake by the door.]
Joey: Hey guys, could you not stand by the door? When Jake come in, I don’t want you two to be the first people he sees.
[Seth walks in with his date, Molly]
Joey: No, no, no. In you go.
Seth: Sorry I’m late. I had a congratulatory phone call from Stephen Hawking. An honor, sure, but just..(Gestures that he talks a lot) Oh, this is my girlfriend Molly Wintle.
Michael: Hi. Uh, this is my girlfriend Alex Garret.
Seth: I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. How long have you been together?
Alex: Well it’s hard to say in a way, because for a long time he didn’t wanna be exclusive. This dog’s gotta run! But, I guess we’ve been together about 3 months.
Seth: We’ve been together five. That’s two months more. 61 days.
Michael: 1,464 hours.
Michael and Seth: 87, 840 minutes!
[Gina runs up to Michael]
Gina: How could you?
Gina: First you break up with me, then you show up here with this tramp! (Slaps Michael)
[Gina walks away, over to the front door where Joey is still waiting.]
Joey: Jake better show. I mean look at these people. Who else could I possible be friends with here, Crazy Pet Lady? No sir, I do not care for the way her bird talks about our president.
[A man walks in]
Howard: Hey, I’m Howard, from apartment 12.
Joey: Oh hi. Joey. This is Gina.
Howard: Hey great, nice to meet you. I’m actually new here in LA and I find it kind of hard to meet people. Lots of tables for one for old Howie lately! So I was pretty excited to get your invitation. I mean, I’ve seen you around the building and I’ve been wanting to meet you, and here I am!
Joey: Yay! Well uh, enjoy yourself.
[Howie walks away]
Joey: Wow, he seems a little desperate, huh?
Gina: At least he didn’t throw a party to make you his friend.
Joey: (Laughs) Yeah, right. Oh.
[Scene : Michael and Joey’s house. Michael and Alex are talking to Seth and Molly.]
Seth: (His watch beeps) Oh, it’s almost 9. There’ll be a visible pass by the International Space Station soon. Molly and I share a passion for the night sky.
Alex: Oh, how nice. Michael and I share a passion for sex in public.
Seth: We’ll be outside.
[Seth and Molly go outside]
Michael: Sex in public? Where’d that come from?
Alex: Oh, I read about it in Cosmo. 60 percent of us do it. Wait a minute, did you see that plate of food Seth just brought for Molly with the chicken skewers and the mini hot dogs?
Michael: I guess.
Alex: Molly just told me she’s a vegetarian. If they’ve been together for five months, he would know that.
Michael: You know, I noticed another weird thing. She didn’t even know about Seth’s asthma. It sends him to the hospital like every other week.
Alex: It doesn’t seem like they know each other very well. Do you think she could be a fake girlfriend?
Michael: Let’s find out. (Yells to Molly outside) Hey Molly, which one’s better? Jedi or Empire?
Molly: I don’t know.
Michael: (To Alex) She’s fake!
[Cut to Joey and Howard]
Howard: And then when Drake Ramoray walks in and sees them in bed together? Ah! That was an amazing scene!
Joey: Interesting story about that scene; See originally, Drake wasn’t supposed to be in it at all. But then, while looking for a bathroom, I accidentally walked onto the set. The rest is history.
Howard: Well Days of Our Lives has not been the same without you.
Joey: Well I got some old tapes if you ever wanna- (Sees Jake) Oh, Jake!
[Joey walks over to Jake and Gina, leaving Howard by the bar]
Joey: Hey, what’s going on?
Gina: Yeah, I was just having a nice time with one of your guests here.
Joey: Yeah, this is Jake.
Gina: This is Jake? Rainbow Jake?
Joey: Yeah! Uh, whatever that means.
Jake: (To Gina) So, you’re a hairdresser? Would you do anything different with my hair?
Gina: Let me see. Turn around for a sec. Great body. Really great body.
Joey: Okay, enough. Enough Gina. Maybe Jake would like a drink.
Gina: Maybe you should get him one.
Joey: Maybe you should get him one.
Gina: Maybe you should get him one.
Jake: You know what? I’ll get myself a drink. Can I get anything for the lady?
Gina: So chivalrous. Yes, I’ll have another EverClear and Gatorade.
[Jake walks off]
Joey: Why are you flirting with Jake?
Gina: Well I started talking to him before I knew who he was. You didn’t tell me e was so cute.
Joey: Well I’m sorry. But that’s not something I notice with guys, and yes I did!
Gina: Let me just finish talking to him, and then he’s all yours.
Gina: Excuse me?
Joey: Look, I don’t want you talking to him. I told you how hard it is for me to meet people.
Gina: Well it’s not easy for me either. Why can’t we share him?
Joey: Because that never works. Every time you get involved with one of my friends, you ruin it. Okay? Either you break up with him and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he breaks up with you and you scare him away! That’s why I had to quit the football team, the baseball team..I ended up having to do theater! Oh, so, thanks.
Gina: You are being ridiculous. Just back off, okay?
Joey: No, you back off.
Gina: No, you back off! You know, I see why you have trouble meeting people. You got so much food in your teeth.
Joey: Well, I was afraid Jake wasn’t going to show, and when I get nervous, I eat.
Howard: (Walks over to Joey and Gina) Wow, we have so much in common!
Joey: Get out of here!
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Gina are still arguing over Jake.]
Joey: Look, Jake’s gonna be here any second with the drinks. Why don’t we let him decide who he wants to be with?
Gina: I’m so sure he’s gonna pick me, I’ll give you a one minute head start.
Joey: Look, I don’t need you charity, okay? Jake and I are going to be-
Gina: Hey, you just wasted ten seconds.
Joey: Only 40 seconds left! (Walks over to Jake) Hey man, nothing like a cold beer on a warm summer night, huh?
Jake: This is apple juice. I’m an alcoholic.
Joey: It’s a disease. (Gina gestures to him that his time is counting down) Uh, so what do you do for a living Jake?
Jake: I’m a market make in the energy sector. Mostly do arbitrage.
Joey: Oh hey, my uncle’s a garbage man, yeah. (Gina starts walking over to them, and Joey starts talking very fast.) I’m an actor myself. Not really working right now, so that’s not interesting. Uh, I love video games, and Diehard. I’m an excellent parallel parker. I once saw Mr. T in a restaurant!
[Gina walks up to them]
Gina: Hi. It’s really hot in here. You wanna go check out the patio? (Takes off her jacket)
Jake: (To Joey) Catch you later.
[Jake and Gina go outside]
Joey: I knew it! What you do see is sexier!
[Cut to Michael and Alex]
Michael: This is such typical Seth. He could’ve just come to the party alone, but instead he goes through all this trouble, just to one up me.
Alex: Well he’s not going to get away with it. I’m a lawyer. I’ll just pretend he’s a defendant..for a very, very geeky crime.
Michael: Oh, they’re splitting up.
Alex: Good. Divide and conquer. You take nerdly.
[Michael goes to talk to Seth, and Alex goes to talk to Molly]
Alex: So, tell me, how exactly did you and Seth meet?
Molly: (Speaks in a way that is very obvious she is reciting from memory) Oh, at a Memorial Day Party thrown by a mutual friend. It was a sunset cruise around Catalina Island.
Alex: That’s so romantic.
Molly: And I had to go to San Francisco on business that night, so Seth offered to drive me to the airport. Then when I came back, he surprised me by picking me up, too.
Alex: Aww. A couple of questions, um, you said you went on a Sunset Cruise on Memorial Day?
Molly: Um, yeah.
Alex: And then you flew to San Francisco later that night?
Molly: On business.
Alex: So just a few weeks before the summer solstice, when the sun sets well after 8 o’clock, your sunset cruise got back in time for you to catch a flight to San Francisco -- when, and correct me if I’m wrong, the last shuttle to SFO leaves at 9 o’clock PM. Is that what you’re saying?
Molly: I…don’t remember.
Alex: Now I want to return to something else that you said about this alleged boat trip.
[Cut to Michael and Seth]
Seth: I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been working out.
Michael: Oh yeah, I’ve been working out too.
Seth: Oh yeah? I’m bench-pressing 90 pounds. Can you bench press your body weight? So, what do you think Molly and Alex are talking about?
Michael: Oh, it’s girl stuff.
[Cut to Alex and Molly]
Alex: ..then either it didn’t happen that way, or both you and Seth are in violation of the US Fisheries Act of 1988!
Molly: (Scared) I have to go to the bathroom.
Alex: The answers aren’t in there, Miss Wintle! (Gives Michael a thumbs-up sign)
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Gina and Jake are talking by the fireplace. Joey walks over to them.]
Joey: Hey Gina, sorry to interrupt, but I have to show you something. Armand Assante just walked in. (Pulls Gina away from Jake)
Gina: Oh my god. I love him! Where?
Joey: He’s not here. I just wanted to get you away from Jake so I could have some time to talk to him.
Gina: You know, one day Armand Assante will be here, and I won’t go because you have fooled me so many times!
Joey: Look, he’s gonna leave soon, okay? Can’t you just let me have 5 minutes? I already saw you give him your number.
Gina: Yeah, and I put a little lipstick kiss on it to up what I call the “class factor.”
Joey: Okay, how ‘bout this? If you don’t let me talk to him, I’m gonna tell him some stuff about you.
Gina: Good, I don’t have any secrets.
Joey: How old did you tell him you were?
Gina: Alright, five minutes.
Joey: Yeah. (Walks over to Jake) Hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, thanks for the great party. I gotta take off.
Joey: No, really?
Jake: Yeah, I got a basketball game in the morning. Say, I was wondering if the J-Bird wants to come.
Joey: Who? Oh, that’s me! Yeah.
Jake: Sweet. So I’ll swing by, pick you up around 9?
[Jake throws something in the trash as he walks out the door]
Joey: Hey Jake, what uh, what’s that you just threw out there? (Takes it out of the trash)
Jake: Oh, nothing, just the phone number of that girl I was talking to. I was hoping to get a little more than a phone number tonight. She’s got more self-esteem than that outfit would suggest.
Joey: So you’re not gonna call her?
Jake: Aw, she’s fine for a slow night, but not exactly worth dinner and a movie, right?
Joey: That’s my sister, Jake.
Jake: Oh..man, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. We still on for basketball?
Joey: No, I think I’m gonna play basketball with some guys who don’t think my sister’s trashy.
Jake: Yeah, well good like finding them.
Joey: Yeah, tell me about it.
[Joey closes the door, and Gina walks over]
Joey: Hey uh, I think I came on a little too strong with Jake. I might’ve freaked him out. He’s probably not gonna call.
Gina: I saw him throw my number out, Joey, but I like your story better. He just wanted a one-night stand, huh? A one night stand..
Joey: Don’t even think about it!
Gina: Are you okay? I mean, I know how much this meant to you. You went through all this trouble just to meet him.
Joey: Oh no, no, no. It’s alright, it’s alright. I just, I didn’t think it’d be this hard to meet people, ya know?
Gina: Hey, remember when you left home and moved to Manhattan? You found people there.
Joey: Yeah, but I was a kid then. It was easy, you know? I got to go through all that again now?
Gina: Aw, look, it’ll happen. At least this time you got me.
Joey: I do have your number. (Looks at the number that she had given to Jake) Now does underlining “up late” also up the “class factor?”
[Cut to Alex and Molly walking over to Michael and Seth]
Alex: Molly has something she’d like to say.
Molly: I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to go home.
Seth: What do you mean?
Alex: Seth, the game is up. We know she’s not your girlfriend.
Seth: Oh my god.
Michael: Seth, why? Why did you lie?
Seth: So I could beat you for once, okay?
Michael: What are you talking about?
Seth: You got into Cal Tech’s doctoral program; I got rejected. You got this killer apartment; I live at home and share a bathroom with my grandmother. I never win.
Michael: That’s how you feel about me? Look, okay, I have to tell you something. Alex isn’t real.
Seth: You built her? (Goes to look at Alex)
Alex: Get away from me!
Michael: No, no, I mean she’s not really my girlfriend. Okay yes, I asked her to pretend to be my date tonight to impress you ‘cause I..I fell like I never win.
Seth: Wow. Makes you think.
Michael: Yeah. So I guess we both kind of learned our lesson.
Seth: I learned it first.
Michael: Well I learned it better.
Seth: I kinda already knew it actually.
Michael: I’m the one who-
[Joey walks over]
Joey: Geeks, geeks, geeks, we’re done.
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Joey and Howard are cleaning up from the party.]
Joey: So he was the real reason I threw this party, and he turns out to be a jerk, you know? All I wanted was someone to hang out with. (Howard looks at him as if he could be his friend) Okay, we can try it, but I’m not making any promises.
Howard: You will not regret this.
Joey: Hey Gina, on a trial basis, Howard here is gonna be my friend. Okay, now I don’t want you hitting on him and ruining everything.
Gina: Well I’ll try to control myself. I’m only woman.
Howard: (To Joey) Hey, let’s play a game where you throw the trash in the bag and use my body as a backboard.
Joey: (Throws in two cups) This just might work out!
[Scene : Joey and Michael’s house. Alex and Michael are cleaning up.]
Alex: I don’t know why you caved. We totally had them.
Michael: Are you kidding me? They would’ve caught on eventually. Just, no one would believe that a girl like you would be going out with you know, me.
Alex: Oh please. Would you stop selling yourself short like that?
Michael: I’m not, I just know my limitations. Women uh, don’t like me. Except for lesbians who, when I’m wearing my old glasses, think I’m one of them.
Alex: Let me tell you something, if there was a twenty year old me out there, she would want to be with a guy like you.
Michael: If I could build an ultra-realisitc girl robot, I’d want her to be just like you.
Alex: Well that’s sweet.
Michael: But I’d probably give her bigger-
Alex: That’s enough.