[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Bobbie: Joey’s Photo-Shoot]
Bobbie: That’s it! Oh, perfect!
(Joey holds up a spatula and smiles)
Bobbie: These photos are going to look great in People magazine. Let’s see your good side.
Bobbie: Oh, God no! Go back! That’s it. Yeah. We got it.
Joey: Nice. Wow, People magazine. My mom is gonna be so excited. If you just get me into Playboy with an Asian on the cover, my dad can read about me too!
Bobbie: Now listen, Joey. The interview portion is later. Judy Wilson’s gonna meet you on the set. Now she’s single, which is good, but she’s smart, which could kill us. You need to come off as a great guy. I mean, really charm her!
Joey: (Trying to show his charm) Well, I can give it a shot, sweetheart.
Bobbie: (Laughs) Oh come on, get serious!
Joey: Bobbie, will you relax? Look, I will handle the interview. Okay? By the time I’m done with her, she’s gonna want to put me on the cover. There’s a new stud in town. (Picks up the latest edition of People magazine and looks at the cover) So move over Robert Blake’s Legal Nightmare.
[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey & Judy]
Judy: You are such a fascinating interview. And all the charity work you do with children? You’re almost too good to be true.
Joey: Please. You’re starting to sound like the people I pulled from that burning car.
Judy: Our research shows us that in your role as a single father, you’re becoming very popular with women over thirty. How do you feel about that?
Joey: Great. You know, I feel like women really come into their own after the age of thirty; they know who they are, they know what they want, and well, I find that very sexy.
Judy: (Giggles) Ohh. I’ve got a couple more questions to ask you, and some of these may seem a little bit silly, but it’s what our readers are into, so.. what’s your favorite color?
Joey: (Notices that Judy’s shirt is purple) Purple.
Judy: Me too! When you get to heaven, what do you want God to say to you?
Joey: Come on in, Joey. This place is full of women over thirty.
Judy: And uh, do you have any siblings?
Joey: Yeah, I have seven sisters.
Judy: Wow, you must really understand women.
(Joey smiles modestly)
Judy: You know, I’m here to interview you, so this may seem totally inappropriate, but well, is there any chance you’d want to have drinks?
Joey: I would love that! Why don’t I take you out to dinner tomorrow night?
Judy: Tomorrow night? Are you sure?
Joey: Yeah. Why not?
Judy: Oh my God, okay!
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Michael & Gina]
Michael: Hey. Oh, how’d your interview go yesterday?
Joey: Oh, great. I think she kinda liked me so I’m taking her out to dinner tonight.
Gina: Tonight? Are you serious?
Joey: Why? What’s the big deal?
Alex: Good morning, everybody. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Joey: (Frightened) No, no, no!
Alex: What’s wrong?
Joey: I asked this girl out to dinner tonight and I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day. Now she’s gonna think I want to get all serious with her and start a relationship!
Alex: Oh, and you don’t?
Joey: (Laughs) Oh, you’re cute. Yeah. Ugh, I can’t believe I have a date on Valentine’s Day! I’m gonna miss my annual ritual.
Michael: Why? What do you usually do?
Joey: Well, every year I go to a bar alone, find that table full of women pretending they don’t need men, send over a bottle of White Zen, wait five minutes, and pounce. It’s a little something I like to call Valentine’s Day Massacre.
Alex: Well, you can’t reschedule now. She’ll be devastated.
Gina: Yeah, it’d be like standing up someone for the prom. (Looks at Michael) Sorry, sweetie.
Michael: For the last time: She got lost on the way to her house, she found another guy and she went with him!
Joey: All right. Well maybe I’m over-reacting. Is there any chance she won’t take it that seriously?
Gina: Well, how old is she?
Joey: I don’t know. Thirty-three, thirty-four.
Alex: Well, which is it? Because at thirty-three, you’re still happy being a sexy single woman. At thirty-four, you’ve got a wedding dress in your trunk just in case.
Joey: I gotta find something to take the pressure off this date. Ooh! Hey, maybe you guys could come with me?
Gina: Oh, don’t you think that’d be a little obvious?
Joey: No, not if you just happen to be at the same restaurant, and then you can come join us.
Gina: That could work. I’m not doing anything.
Alex: Yeah, and Eric’s still on tour, so I’m available.
Gina: We know Michael’s free.
Michael: Mom, I explained this. Virginia’s cat had a stomach thing. She’ll call me in the next few weeks.
[Scene: A Restaurant – Joey & Judy]
Judy: I’m so excited about tonight.
(A waiter brings champagne to the table)
Judy: (Holds up her glass) To us.
Joey: (Holds up his glass) To the Knicks. So, did you uh, finish my article yet?
Judy: Oh, I don’t want to talk about work. You reach a certain age when you realize you have to focus on your personal life. I mean, let’s face it: I’m not 34 anymore.
(Gina, Michael & Alex Enter)
Joey: Oh my God, what is my sister doing here? With my nephew, and my neighbor? Of all the Valentine’s Day mix ups! And I hope they don’t see us.
(Judy turns away; Joey waves his arms to get Gina’s attention)
Gina: Joey, what are you doing here?
Joey: What are you doing here?
Gina: What I do every Valentine’s Day – Taking my son and my lawyer friend out to a crowded restaurant where I have not made a reservation.
Judy: Well I guess they could join us.
Joey: Sure. Well, it doesn’t have to get in the way of our romantic evening. (Pulls up another chair) Michael, why don’t you squeeze in right here between us?
(Gina, Michael & Alex sit down)
Joey: Gina, Michael, Alex – this is Judy.
Judy: I’m his valentine!
Joey: (Jokingly) Oh, stop. (Seriously) Stop.
Alex: (Reading the menu) Oh, God. Thirty-five dollars for Lobster Rosata in a heart shaped mold? This holiday is so stupid.
Joey: Alex, you’re kinda ruining the mood there.
(Joey gives her a thumbs-up behind his menu)
Alex: I mean, would you look at all these suckers out celebrating this Hallmark holiday? My husband and I don’t need this kind of thing. Though, a card would’ve been nice. Or a phone call. Or an e-mail, perhaps. But we spoke on Tuesday. He asked me to gather up his receipts. Tax time’s coming!
(Alex chugs all the wine in her glass)
Judy: Can you excuse me? I’m gonna use the restroom for a second.
(Judy leaves; Joey looks at a table full of single women)
Joey: Look at those girls over there, and I’m stuck on a date! God, I can’t just leave them there. (Looks at Michael) Michael, they deserve better, but I’m sending you in.
Michael: What? No. I can’t. I’m taken. Virginia said she’d call the second her cat took a turn for the better.
Joey: Michael, it’s cleavage, lipstick, and Appletinis. It’s a cry for help. Answer the call.
Michael: You know what, you’re right. Yeah, I’m not just gonna sit here waiting for her call. Ladies, get ready for a massacre.
Joey: Yeah. All right. Yeah.
Joey: Is it me or is self-confidence a bummer on him?
[Cut to: Michael approaching the table of single women]
Michael: Happy Valentine’s Day, ladies.
Girl #1: Oh great, another one. You think just because we’re sitting here alone that we’re desperate for a man to hit on us?
Michael: You’re not are you? God, I knew I shouldn’t have done this. I would never have even come over here if he hadn’t told me to.
Girl #2: Well, he’s cute. Is he coming over here too?
Michael: No, I’m all you get, okay? I was supposed to have a date tonight, but she had to cancel because her cat had this stomach thing.
Girl #1: Aww, honey, I’ve used that excuse. She doesn’t have a cat.
Michael: So, I got blown off for Valentine’s Day?
Girl #2: Yeah, join the club.
Michael: Could I?
[Cut to: Joey’s table; Judy returns]
Judy: Could we talk over here for a second?
Joey: Sure. Come on, everyone. Let’s go talk to Judy.
Judy: Just you.
Joey: Oh, uh, excuse me.
(Joey & Judy walk away from the table)
Joey: Look, I’m sorry these guys just showed up. You know I would love to have you all to myself, but it’s out of my control.
Judy: Joey, I’m not an idiot. I know why they’re here.
Joey: You do?
Judy: Yeah. You wanted me to meet your family! I mean, I can’t believe how fast this is moving, but it feels so right!
(Judy hugs Joey; a violinist approaches them)
Violinist: Special music for the lovers.
(The violinist begins to play; Joey glares at him)
[Scene: The Restaurant – Joey, Judy, Gina & Alex]
Judy: What a difference a day makes, huh? I'm out on Valentine's Day with a great guy; I’m being welcomed into a family. I mean, if this was a first day for most guys, they’d be freaking out!
Alex: You guys are a beautiful couple. Now, this may be the alcohol talking, but-
Joey: It’s the alcohol. Don’t say it.
Alex: Don’t take this for granted. You have to put your love in a bottle and make a promise to drink from it every day, and if you do, at night it will replenish itself.
[Cut to: Michael & the Single Girls]
Michael: You hate your body? I hate my body.
Girl #1: Why? You’re so thin.
Michael: No, you should see me in a bathing suit. I have some real problem areas.
Girl #2: Well at least you can have dessert tonight.
Michael: You know what, I don’t care what that bastard Jim said. You look great.
Girl #1: Yeah. You know what? To hell with the guy. I’m getting the chocolate mousse.
Girl #2: Yeah!
Michael: You go girlfriend!
[Cut to: Joey, Gina, Alex & Judy’s Table]
Judy: I can’t believe you have a child that age. You look amazing. How old are you?
Judy: I’m older than you and you have an adult son?
Joey: (Whispering to Alex) Older?
Alex: Yes, hold her.
Judy: I admire you, but I’m not interested in having kids, as long as I have my career and someone special. That’s all I care about.
Gina: I remember when I used to think like that. Then you turn fifteen and everything changes.
(Judy’s phone rings)
Judy: Oh, I should take this. (Answers her phone) Hi, Cynthia. No, I’m not at home. You won’t believe what happened!
(Judy walks away from the table)
Joey: Cynthia’s gonna be a fat bridesmaid at my wedding, isn’t she?
Gina: Joey, she just gave you the perfect out. She said she doesn’t want kids. Just tell her how important they are to you.
Joey: That’s a great idea!
Alex: When my mother was my age, she had three kids. All I have is a husband who’s away all the time. Last week, a squirrel snuck into our apartment and I thought it was Eric coming home to surprise me. I put on lingerie for a squirrel!
Gina: I’ll take care of her. You take care of Judy. (Helping Alex stand up) Come on, sweetie.
Alex: Oh God, it feels so good to be touched.
[Scene: The Bar – Gina & Alex]
Alex: I’m sorry. It’s just that he’s away all the time, and I try to pretend like it doesn’t bother me, but deep down it does.
Gina: Of course it does.
Alex: I mean, he’s always traveling, you know? And even when he’s home, it’s not like he’s here. (Puts her hand on her chest) You know? (Puts her hand on Gina’s chest) Here. You have massive breasts.
Gina: (To the Bartender) Two coffees please.
Alex: You wanna know how long it’s been since we’ve had sex?
Gina: (To the Bartender) One coffee and one tequila, please.
Alex: And even when we have sex, it feels like there’s something missing, and.. can I tell you a secret?
Gina: I wish you wouldn’t.
Alex: When I make love to my husband, I think about Noah Wyle.
[Cut to: Joey & Judy’s Table]
Joey: Obviously, this is hard for me to say, but children are very important to me, and I was kind of shocked when I heard you say you didn’t want any.
Judy: I’m sorry. That’s just how I feel.
Joey: Ugh. How many women have I lost because of my desire to have children?
Judy: Wow, I’m surprised you feel that strongly about this.
Joey: So strongly. I’ve always had this fantasy about coming home at night and having all these kids running at me, screaming “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” And then we’d roughhouse and build forts and then sit around the fire eating a big bowl of ice cream.
Judy: I can’t believe this is happening.
Joey: I know.
Judy: You’ve talked me into having children!
[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey & Gina: Joey’s on the phone with Bobbie]
Joey: And if it wasn’t bad enough that I asked her out on Valentine’s Day, I talked her into having children!
Bobbie: (Laughing) Oh, Joey. Laughter really is the best medicine, and that story just cleared up my hepatitis. Look, a bad article from this woman could really hurt your career. They go to press in two days, so until then, just give her anything she wants.
Joey: I don’t know.
Bobbie: Oh for God’s sake. It’s only forty-eight hours! I took a shower with Ed Azner that took longer than that.
Joey: Okay, all right. I can do this. Thanks, Bobbie. (Hangs up) Ugh, I have to keep this for two more days. Why do I have to be so charming to the opposite sex?!
Gina: Hey, at least you just have the opposite sex; everybody wants me!
Michael: I’ll see you guys later. I gotta go meet Denise and the rest of the fab five for spinning class.
Joey: Classic move, Michael. Pretend to be friends, then slip in there and put the moves on them.
Michael: Ugh. Men.
(Michael Leaves; Joey goes inside the apartment; Alex enters the Courtyard, trying to sneak past Gina)
Gina: So, did you have fun last night Keith Richards?
Alex: I would really rather not make eye contact with you.
Gina: What are you, embarrassed? You got drunk. What’s the big deal?
Alex: It’s not the drinking. It’s all the stuff that I told you about my marriage and about my sexual secret.
Gina: Yeah, I gotta ask. Noah Wyle? I mean, really. I could see Clooney, or Eric Lasal, or even that new Indian chick.
(Alex turns to leave)
Gina: Come on, you little weirdo. We just started getting comfortable around each other. How about this? I’ll tell you one of my sexual secrets and we’ll be even.
Alex: You don’t get embarrassed. There’s nothing you could tell me that would make this even.
Gina: I almost got embarrassed last night when a girl felt my breast at a restaurant.
Alex: I forgot about that.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Judy]
Judy: It was so nice of you to come with me to get my hair dyed.
Joey: Are you kidding? Three hours in a hair salon. Fun!
Judy: Well if I didn’t do it, I’d be completely gray.
Joey: So uh, you wanna watch some TV?
(Judy sits down on the couch; Joey sits down on the other end)
Judy: Meow. Kitty needs some attention.
(Joey moves over; Judy puts her legs in his lap)
Judy: Rub my tummy?
Joey: Nice kitty.
Judy: Oh hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Feel free to say no, but my parents are throwing this big party for my little sister’s fortieth birthday, and my whole family’s gonna be there. If you could come, it would mean the world to me.
Joey: Maybe, yeah. By the way, how’s my article coming?
Judy: Oh, I haven’t had time to finish it yet. I’ve been a bad little kitty.
Joey: Uh, when does kitty expect to have it completed?
Judy: Oh well, I haven’t had time to work on it because of us, so I got an extension. I’ll hand it in next month.
Joey: Next month?
Judy: I really want you to come to this party, so I’m gonna call my parents and tell them you’re coming. I want to make sure you get the upper bunk in my brother’s room.
Joey: The party’s an overnight thing?
Judy: Well, of course, silly. We’re not gonna go to Canada for one day.
Joey: Canada? Wait, I can’t do that. My passport is gone! Yeah. This bird came in and –whoosh– and I was like ‘Huh?’
Judy: You don’t want to meet my family.
Joey: I do want to meet your family, but this damn bird-
Judy: You’re lying. You don’t think I can tell when you’re lying. Jojo Dancer, it’s me, Juju Bean.
Joey: I’ve never heard either of those nicknames before. Look um, as much as I want to meet your family, maybe we should slow things down.
Joey: I’m sorry-
Judy: I can’t believe this is happening! I feel like I don’t know you. You’re not the nice guy that I thought you were.
Joey: Juju Bean!
Judy: I can’t stay here. I’m too upset, and when I’m upset, I work. I’m gonna go finish my article. I hate you, Joey Tribbiani!
Joey: No, no, no! Don’t go! Don’t go! Maybe there’s something I can do to make this okay.
[Scene: Judy’s Parents’ House]
Judy: Oh Joey, my whole family loves you. Well, Nana and Pop-pop, obviously. And you were such a good sport about wrestling cousin Hank in the yard.
Joey: I do wish he’d had a shirt on.
[Scene: Alex’s Apartment – Gina & Alex]
Alex: Gina, would you just leave me alone for a little while?
Gina: No! I am here to even things out.
Alex: But you don’t have any embarrassing secrets.
(Gina takes off her robe revealing that she’s wearing a leotard)
Gina: Just watch.
(Gina begins tap dancing)
Alex: Oh my God!
Gina: Shut up and watch.
Alex: Gina Tribbiani tap dances. Since when?
Gina: Since Junior High. I followed this super hot guy into a dance studio. Shockingly he turned out to be gay. But I found a far greater love—tap. And now we’re even. You keep my secret, I keep yours.
Alex: Yes, we’re even. You know, in college I took a dance class first semester—jazz. I was actually quite good. I just did a little, you know..
(Alex does a short jazz dance)
Gina: You know for one second we were even. Now I’m gonna have to think of something else!
[Scene: Judy’s Parents’ House]
Judy: I can’t believe you’re up here visiting my family, and we’ve only been together a week. At this rate, imagine where we could be in a month.
Pop-Pop: When you get married, will it be here or is there a Lutheran church in California?
Judy: I’m sorry, it’s just very important to my family that I’m only serious with people within our faith.
Joey: Well I’m not Lutheran.
Judy: Oh, don’t worry. As long as you’re willing to raise our kids as Christians, that’s all I care about.
Joey: If I wasn’t, would that be a problem?
Judy: Well, I’d hate to say it, but it’d be a deal-breaker.
Joey: Judy, I’m Jewish!
Joey: What a terrible misunderstanding. This is heartbreaking. But let us not say goodbye, okay? Let us just say shalom.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina & Michael]
Joey: (Reading People Magazine) Oh, here it is! Wow. “Joey Tribbiani isn’t just a bright new face in Hollywood, he’s also as nice a guy off-camera, as he is on.” Hey. “And a deeply religious man, with a great commitment to his Jewish faith. Joey is searching for that special someone, so single Jewish girls, if you’re looking for an eligible bachelor, Joey Tribbiani is looking for you.
Michael: That may explain this.
(Michael presses the ‘Play’ button on the Answering Machine)
Answering Machine: You have 268 new messages.
Joey: Oi vay!