[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael]
Michael: Joey, get out here! Beautiful women have been coming out of that apartment for like an hour!
Joey: An hour? Well why didn’t you get me?
Michael: I was stuck in the hot tub. I didn’t want her to see my legs.
(They go out in the courtyard; A girl walks through the courtyard)
Joey: Well hello there, gorgeous.
Michael: I don’t have chicken legs.
(The girl leaves; another one comes out.)
Joey: Michael, this is like a dream. Pinch me.
(Michael pinches Joey’s butt.)
Joey: On the arm! Who goes for the ass? I’ve got to see what’s going on. (Knocks on Apartment 8’s door.)
Joey: Hi there.
Sara: Hi. Can I help you?
Joey: Yeah, uh, I live across the way, and I would like to join whatever club is meeting here.
Sara: There’s no club. Those are my clients. I’m a photographer.
Joey: Wow. I love erotic photography.
Sara: I didn’t say erotic.
Joey: I definitely heard someone say it. Uh, I’m Joey.
(Joey & Sarah shake hands)
Sara: I’m Sara.
Michael: I’m Michael.
Joey: It’s amazing to me that you’re a photographer. I mean, you are so beautiful you should be in front of the camera.
Sara: Wow. You really came out swinging, huh?
Joey: Okay, okay. Let me try a different approach. Uh, I saw a flower this morning and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen until I gazed upon you.
Joey: Right? Yeah.
Sara: Listen, I really appreciate the effort, but you don’t have to work so hard. If you want to ask me out, just ask me out.
Joey: What? Just ask you?
Sara: Yeah. Watch this. Do you want to go out Saturday?
Sara: Great, we have a date.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait. I didn’t even compliment your eyes.
Sara: I know. My father must have been a thief because he stole two stars from the sky and put them in my eyes.
Joey: I did not know that one. That’s good.
Sara: Pick me up at 8:00.
(Sarah closes the door.)
(A girl walks through the Courtyard.)
Joey: Hey there. I saw a flower this morning. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen until I gazed upon you.
Sara: Really? Thank you.
Joey: Ok, so I’m not crazy.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment - Joey & Gina – Alex Enters]
Alex: Hey, guys.
Joey: Whoa, sexy new underwear there, huh?
Alex: You can tell?
Joey: When I was a kid, I wished for a super power. That’s what I got. So what’s the special occasion?
Alex: Well, my husband’s gonna be home tomorrow. So Gina took me to get some sexy undergarmets.
Gina: And it’s a good thing I did, because she was wearing cotton granny panties.
Alex: Well, it’s gonna be really great to see him. He’s been gone for, like, two months.
Gina: That’s a long time to be away from your man. You guys ever tried phone sex?
Alex: Yeah, I’m not very good at that. I tend to laugh too much and over describe the room.
Joey: Hey, you rented that apartment to the new girl? Nice job. Thanks for giving me a hot one.
Alex: I thought you two might have sparks. I miss Melrose Place.
Joey: Well I got a date with her Saturday night.
Gina: She lives right across the courtyard. What if it doesn’t work out. That could be so awkward.
Joey: Please, there is no awkward situation I can’t smooth over or run from. Ok? But I gotta say, this girl’s a tough one. None of my normal lines work on her. I’m gonna have to bring my A-game.
Alex: And, uh, what is you’re A-game?
Joey: Oh, well, I take her to this restaurant where the Maitre De knows my name, and he makes a big fuss over me. Then he seats us at a table where she can’t miss my headshot hanging on the wall. “Oh, how embarrassing.” Then at one point during the evening, I have one of my famous friends send over a bottle of wine, maybe Bob Duvall.
Alex: (Sarcastically) So?
Joey: Or, Celine Dion.
Alex: (Excited) Oh, yeah, I could see that working.
[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey & Alex]
Alex: So, are you excited about your date tonight?
Joey: Oh, yeah, I called the restaurant and set everything up.
Alex: Oh, who are they gonna say sent the wine.
Joey: Well, I went with Alan Thicke and Lou Diamond Phillips. Yeah, I like the idea that they’re friends.
Eric: Hey, Joey, how you doing?
Joey: Hey, Eric. Welcome back.
Eric: Thanks, thanks. Hey, honey.
(Eric & Alex kiss; Eric leaves)
Joey: Aw. So when was the big reunion?
Alex: That was it. He just got home.
Joey: Really? After two months? What are you doing out here talking to me? Get in there and make up for lost time.
Alex: Joey, it’s the middle of the day. We couldn’t do that. Could we?
(Joey looks at Alex)
Alex: I guess we could. I think I’m going to.
Joey: Thatta girl. Don’t let that new thong go to waste.
Alex: Amazing. Through Corduroy?
[Scene: A restaurant – Joey & Sara]
Joey: You are gonna love this place. The food is great. The only problem is they tend to make a fuss when actors come in.
Sara: Oh, I’m not a big fan of actors.
Joey: You don’t like actors?
Sara: No, they’re so self-absorbed and need to much attention.
Joey: But they’re America’s royalty.
Maitre De: Mr. Tribbiani, welcome. That was a very good show last night.
Joey: Yes, Tony, I also enjoyed the Apprentice.
Maitre De: Right this way, please. I’ve saved a very special table for you.
Sara: Thank you.
(Joey leans back in his chair, and puts his hand over his headshot)
Joey: So, you like sports or, uh-
Sara: What is that? Is that you- is that your headshot?
Joey: No, that’s not what this wall means. I ate the 96 ounce steak. As did Bernadette Peters.
Sara: Joey, what’s going on here?
Joey: I wanted to impress you. So I brought out my A-game, you know. My best moves; my best lines.
Sara: You don’t need to do that with me.
Joey: Okay, maybe we should just order.
Sara: Yeah, okay. You know, I’d order the pizza, but I haven’t had a decent one since I moved here from the East Coast.
Joey: Heh. Me neither.
Sara: Everybody recommended this place called Mario’s.
Joey: I went there.
Sara: It was awful, right?
Joey: So bad, I had to go some place else and eat a whole other pizza, just to get the taste out of my mouth.
Sara: I’m lucky my mom sends me pizza from home.
Joey: Wait, where are you from?
Joey: I love your sandwiches!
(The Monsieur De approaches Joey’s table and gives him a bottle of wine.)
Monsieur De: Mr. Tribbiani, compliments of Alan Thicke and Lou Diamond Phillips.
(The Monsieur De leaves)
Sara: Interesting pairing.
Joey: Thank you.
[Scene: Sara’s Apartment – Joey & Sara]
Sara: So, can I get you some wine? Compliments of Vanilla Ice and Tom Scarret.
Joey: Nice. Sure.
(Sara pours the wine; Joey looks at her photographs)
Joey: Wow, these are great. Did you take all these?
Sara: Yeah. That one I took in Burma. That little girl was selling gum on the street, Her eyes were so melancholy, yet so full of hope.
Joey: Couldn’t get her to smile, huh? Eh, what’re you gonna do?
Sara: You have a very interesting face. I can see why you became an actor.
Joey: Thank you.
Sara: Mind if I photograph it?
Joey: Eh… okay!
Sara: Have a seat.
(Joey sits on the couch and does several poses)
Sara: Joey, don’t pose.
(Joey poses again.)
Sara: I’m not getting a sense of who you really are.
Joey: Oh, but what if this (Rests his head in his hands and makes a pouting face) really is who I am?
Sara: Listen, you know what, let’s just take a break. We’ll have some wine and do this later.
Joey: Sounds good.
(Joey takes a sip of his wine; Sarah takes a picture of him.)
Joey: Hey, I wasn’t ready.
Sara: No, this is great.
Joey: But I’m not doing anything.
Sara: Just relax. Be yourself.
(Sara sits on the couch by Joey and continues photographing him. She leans in close to him.)
Joey: Wow, if I was with any other girl, running my A game, I would lean in and kiss you right now, but I’m not sure what to do here.
Sara: This camera thing is my A-game, so let me make this easier for you.
(Sara kisses Joey)
Joey: I may borrow heavily from this in the future.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey, Gina, & Michael]
Joey: (Smiling) Good morning everyone.
Michael: So I take it your date with Sara went well last night.
Joey: It was really nice, yeah. She’s not like other women I’ve dated. When didn’t have sex, but I still feel like a connection was made. Is that shallow?
Gina: Hey. How is it having Eric back?
Alex: Oh, it’s great! It’s good. It’s a challenge. It’s hard.
Joey: Really? What’s wrong?
Alex: I guess I’ve forgotten what it’s like to live with somebody.
Joey: Oh, it’s a compromise, yeah. It’s taken me and Michael months to get everything just the way I like it.
Alex: Yeah, it’s different with Eric here. Like, I was doing my crossword this morning and the clue was “TV Lawyer: Ally ______”. And he said “McBeal!” I’m a lawyer, and I’m spunky. I think I know who Ally McBeal is, okay!
Michael: I’m sure being back must be an adjustment for him too.
Alex: Oh, yeah, especially since now he suffers from this horrible affliction called ‘jet lag’. You may not have heard of it, because apparently my husband is the first person ever to have it.
Michael: Um, I’ve had jet lag. It can be pretty bad.
Alex: He was in Cleveland!
Gina: Okay, so he’s bugging you. Have you tried to talk about it yet?
Alex: Ugh, no. The way I was raised we didn’t talk about our problems. When my mom was upset with my dad, she’d just go to the tennis pro and work on her game. She always came back so happy. It must’ve been Diego’s relaxed island attitude.
Joey: Yeah, that’s probably it. But still, maybe you and Eric should talk.
Alex: Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, I’ll try.
Joey: trust me, it’ll help. When I first moved in, I had a big problem with Michael’s snoring. But then we talked about it, and it got better.
Michael: Talked about it? You put cotton balls in my nose and duck taped my mouth shut.
Joey: And we worked it out.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael; Sarah enters]
Sara: Hey. I just wanted to stop by and thank you for all the Philly cheese steaks you sent over. I think 30 sandwiches is gonna last me a while.
Joey: I know it sounds like a lot, but cheese steak is a very versatile snack. Lunch on the go? Cheese steak. Tired after racquetball? Cheese steak. Can’t find a baby gift? Cheese steak.
Sara: Well, I really appreciate it.
Joey: Hey, neighbor across the way, does something nice for you, you wanna say thank you…
Joey & Sara: (In unison) Cheese steak!
Sara: You know, Joey, I gotta tell you, you’re not exactly who I thought you’d be. Do you wanna go out again tomorrow night?
Joey: You’re just asking me? I mean, I want to, but I think I’d like you to work a little harder.
Sara: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Joey: Where do you get this stuff?
Sara: See you tomorrow night.
Joey: Well, look at that, I just got asked out on a date.
Michael: You really like her.
Joey: I really do. In fact, I like her so much, I’m gonna do something that I’ve never done before. I am not gonna date any other women until I see Sara again.
Michael: You’re going out with her tomorrow. That’s like, twenty-four hours.
Joey: I know. That’s three very disappointed ladies. I mean, if Sara sees me with another girl, she might feel weird. I mean, she’s right over there.
Michael: You see, this- this is why I don’t date girls in the building.
Joey: (Laughing) Okay, buddy.
[Scene: The Courtyard – Joey & Alex; Eric enters]
Eric: Are you working on dinner yet, hon?
Alex: It’s only three in the afternoon.
Eric: Gosh, geez, what can I tell you? I’m on Cleveland time. Oh, God, I got the lag. Bad.
Joey: (Whispering to Alex) You have to say something.
Alex: (Whispering to Joey) I don’t know.
Eric: (Looking at Alex’s crossword puzzle) Now, honey, on your crossword, you missed an easy one. “Sesame Street Character: _______ Monster.” That’s Cookie.
Alex: Okay, we have to talk.
Joey: You know what, I’m gonna give you two some privacy.
(Joey goes into his apartment, and watches them through the window)
Alex: Honey, you know I love you, but I’m not used to having you around, and there are some things that have been bothering me.
Eric: I’m so sorry. I mean, I know I haven’t been myself, but I’m just so tired with the-
Alex: Jet lag! Yes. Um, funny you should mention that, because one of the problems is that you’ve been talking a lot about that.
Eric: Oh, oh, well I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.
Alex: And, please, just let me do the crossword puzzles myself.
Alex: And if you’re gonna use the exercise bike, maybe you should just throw some shorts on.
[Cut to: Joey’s Apartment – Gina Enters]
Gina: (Seeing Joey looking out the window) Oh, are those two squirrels doing it again?
Joey: Shh, shh. Alex is finally getting everything off her chest with Eric.
[Cut to: The Courtyard – Alex & Eric]
Alex: And I really don’t appreciate you critiquing me when I’m singing in the shower.
Eric: As a musician, it bothers me when you sing off key. As a musician, it also bothers me that you never shave your legs.
Alex: Well, as a lawyer, it bothers me that your family sucks!
Eric: Well when you- (Looks at Joey & Gina staring through the window) Will you please tell them to get out of there.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael]
Joey: Hey, Michael. Look, it’s Sara out there reading. Ah well, every diamond has it’s flaws.
Michael: Whoa, check out that stripper looking girl wondering around.
Joey: Stripper looking? She is a stripper. I met her at the- Oh, God, she’s here! Remember how I’m not dating anyone except for Sara? Well, I canceled my lunch, my dinner, but not my back up. I forgot about the back up! Damn, I can’t even remember her name. Tammy? Terri?
Michael: Wait a second, why is she over there?
Joey: She’s clearly lost. She’s gonna ask Sara where I live. Someone with a T what are you doing out there?! Oh, ok, I need your help.
Michael: Alright, what do you want me to do?
Joey: I need Sara to think that something with a T is here for you. Go out there, get her, and walk her back here.
Michael: This doesn’t really play to my strengths, Joey. I don’t lie well. I don’t deal with women well. I don’t walk particularly well.
Joey: From the hot tub to the apartment, 15 feet. Come on, Michael. You can do this. I believe in you.
Michael: There’s no other option?
Joey: If there was, would I be asking you?
(Michael enters the Courtyard)
Michael: Hi. You remember me, right? I’m Joey’s nephew.
Sara: Yeah, hi.
Michael: Hi. So that’s my date. (Points to the stripper) I’m here for her, and she’s here for me. There’s a connection there that’s exciting, but I’m really not sure where it’s going.
Stripper: Excuse me, I’m looking for an apartment. Do you know where-
Michael: I live? Yes. It’s me.
Stripper: Who are you?
Michael: Who am I? I’m Michael. You’re lover.
Stripper: My what?
Sara: What’s going on?
Michael: Nothing’s going on. It’s just, uh.. (Yelling at the door) Man down, man down!
Joey: Go to your room and think about what you did!
Joey: Ladies, before I commit to a path here, what is the situation as everyone understands it?
Sara: Well, if I were to guess, I would say that this nice woman..
Joey: Wow, was I off.
Sara: Charlene was here for a date with you and you had Michael come out to pretend that she was here for him.
Joey: That’s- that’s- that’s not what this is.
Sara: Then what is it?
(Gina enters and sees Joey stuttering)
Gina: Ha, ha, you’re in trouble.
Sara: See you later, Joey.
Joey: Sarah, wait! Charlene, look, I’m gonna have to cancel. I really need to go deal with her.
Charlene: Okay, call me, Joey.
Joey: Wow, you’re game.
(Joey knocks on Sara’s door; Sara opens the door)
Joey: Hey, listen, Sara, I am really sorry about that, but you should know that I made that date with Charlene before I even met you.
Sara: I’m not upset that you had a date. I don’t care if you see other women, but you lied to me, and put on that stupid show. Just be honest, Joey. That’s the most important thing.
Joey: So, to summarize, I can see other women?
Sara: Yeah, I get that you’re the type of guy that dates a lot, and I’m okay with that.
Joey: Are you serious?
Sara: We went on one date. How inappropriate would it be for me to be jealous?
Joey: Very! Wow, you are so cool. This is gonna work out great.
Rick: Hey, Sara.
Sara: Hey, Rick.
Rick: We better get going if we’re going to make that movie.
Sara: You know what, I just need a minute, so make yourself at home.
Joey: So, you date too?
Sara: Is that okay?
Joey: Yeah, of course. It’s awesome. I love it.
Rick: (From inside her apartment) Alright, cheese steak!
Joey: See? Having a date with another dude? Cheese steak!
(Joey leaves, and enters his apartment)
Michael: How’d it go with Sara?
Joey: Well, she’s not mad at me. In fact, she doesn’t mind if I see other women.
Gina: Well that’s great.
Joey: I know. Yeah. She’s actually with another guy right now.
Gina: Are you okay with that?
Joey: Not really. I’m feeling a little jealous Not something I’ve experienced much; don’t care for it.
Alex: Well, we did it. Eric and I talked, we screamed a bit. We got everything out in the open. It was pretty intense.
Joey: Look, Alex, I’m sorry, but can we talk about this some other time? I’m going through some stuff right now. Okay, there’s a guy over there with his hands all over my cheese steak.
Alex: Eric and I are getting separated.
Joey: That’s bigger.
(Alex cries; Joey hugs her)
[Scene: The Courtyard – Michael’s in the hot tub; a girl enters]
Michael: Uh, excuse me.
Michael: I saw a flower this morning, and I thought it was the most beautiful thing until I gazed upon you.
Girl: Wow, thank you. Would you like to go and get some coffee?
(Michael gets out of the hot tub)
Girl: Oh, God. Your legs. I gotta go.
(The girl leaves)
Michael: Damn you, chicken legs!