[Scene : Joey’s House]
Joey: (Gets out the milk and then goes to get the cereal, but the box is empty) Agh.(Looks at the potato chips) Ooo. Disgusting? Or wonderful?
Joey: Morning roomie. So, tell me about last night.
Michael: What about it?
Joey: I heard a girl’s voice coming from your bedroom.
Michael: Oh, uh, yeah I don’t really wanna talk about that.
Joey: Come on, Stud!
Joey: Ooo, is she still here? Wow, somebody’s really taking to the bachelor life. (Puts his hand up for a high five)
[Gina walks out of Michael’s bedroom]
Michael: (High fives Joey) Yeah.
Gina: Good morning, Joey.
Joey: You spent the night in his room? (To Michael)Please tell me she didn’t sleep in your bed!
Gina: I slept on the floor. Don’t worry. Not everyone wants to kill their daddy and marry their mommy, like you.
Joey: That was one drawing I did! What are you doing here?
Gina: Well at 2 in the morning I realized Michael didn’t have his white noise machine, so I brought it over. He can’t sleep without his sounds of the jungle.
Joey: That’s why I dreamt I was being attacked by monkeys!
Michael: Wait a minute. If Joey didn’t let you in, how did you get in last night, Mom?
Gina: I let myself in.
Joey: You have a key? Gina: Yes, I made one for emergencies. When you turned down that hit show, it was a very dark time for you. I thought you might do something drastic.
Joey: I wasn’t gonna kill myself.
Gina: Really? You didn’t even think about it?
Michael: Mom, maybe you shouldn’t have a key. I mean, the whole reason for this move was so that I could have some independence.
Joey: Yeah, and I don’t know how comfortable I am with you just coming over whenever you want. What if I have a girl over?
Michael: Yeah, what if I have one?
Joey: Will you stop being silly, we’re trying to have a conversation.
Gina: Fine, if it’s such a big deal, you can have the stupid key back. (Hands the key to Joey)
Joey: That was too easy. You have another one.
Gina: Good job Nancy Drew! Here. (Hands Joey another key)
Joey: How many more do you have?
Gina: We could do this all day.
[Scene : Outside Joey’s House]
Joey: Hey, Alex.
Joey: Look at you all dressed for work. You know, I played a lawyer once. Yeah. I object! No further questions! How can this be a jury of his peers, when five of the jurors are androids?
Alex: (Laughs) So, the movie’s in the future?
Joey: No. No, this was like three years ago.
Alex: Oh, my. Say, I hate to bother you with this, but my husband’s out of town and normally I would ask him, but what do you think looks better with this? Hair down or hair up?
Joey: Uhh, definitely up. Your hair is nice, but I like it better back so that I can see your face.
Alex: (Blushes) Ohh..
Joey: Yeah, I played a husband once too.
Alex: (Laughs) Okay, thanks. See ya.
Joey: Okay, right. Oh my God, another one of these.
Joey: A note from the super. “No unsanctioned grills allowed. Please remove your grill from the patio. I can’t believe this. How am I supposed to make a hamburger?
Alex: Well, you could use a frying pan.
Joey: Oh, don’t. Just-just don’t. Does everybody get these notes?
Alex: Yeah. Yeah, the super’s kind of a hard-ass.
Joey: Oh. Do you get a lot of notes?
Alex: Me? No. But I don’t do anything wrong. I’m kind of a good girl.
Joey: Oh. I wonder if Mr. Alex would tell me the same thing. (Alex looks awkward) Maybe I wait a few days before making sex jokes with you.
Alex: Yeah, and maybe you don’t even do it then.
[Joey walks inside his house]
Joey: Gina! I haven’t seen you in minutes.
Gina: Don’t worry, I’m just about to leave. I’m not gonna bother you. (Yelling at Michael) Michael! Your snack is ready!
Michael: (Yelling from another room) In a minute! I’m in the middle of something!
Gina: (Yelling) Well, hurry up! I gotta get going!
Joey: (Yelling) I’m so glad I moved out here!
Gina: Here’s your snack, baby. I gotta get back to the salon. Ooh, an hour and a half under the hair dryer. I hope someone’s not dead!
Michael: Can you believe her? She’s here all the time.
Joey: Yeah, well, she loves you.
Michael: Yeah, but it doesn’t even feel like I moved out. I thought living with you, we’d have this crazy single life. Ya know, with the two of us out meeting girls. I mean, I know how you are with women.
Joey: You do?
Michael: Sure, it’s the first memory I have of you. We came to New York for this big family party. All te girl cousins flocked to you. I mean, I know nothing ever would happen with them.
Joey: No, not even once before I knew that was wrong!
Michael: I guess I just thought if I lived with you, then I’d have a chance to learn a few things, you know?
Joey: That’s really sweet. You want to learn stuff from your uncle.
Michael: Well, yeah.
Joey: That’s new for me, you know. I’ve never been the one to teach someone something. I was always the one who –No, never learned anything either.
Michael: So are you up to it?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You came to the right guy. I have so much knowledge to give. I mean, you don’t have a dad around, and I don’t have any sons (Knocks on the table) So, we can go to a bar tomorrow night.
Michael: Cool. I’ve never done that before.
Joey: You’ll have a blast. I remember the first time I went to a bar and hit on girls.
Michael: Were you my age?
Joey: Close to it.
Michael: What, like eighteen?
[Scene : Joey in the hot tub outside his house. Joey is pretending his feet are people talking to each other.]
Joey: (In a high pitched voice) Ooh, I feel so lonely. (Deep Voice) Well, hello, handsome.
Joey: Hey, how was school?
Michael: Great. How was…what you do?
Joey: For you information, I had a really big audition today.
Michael: Oh, yeah? How’d it go?
Joey: I don’t know. I got lost.
Michael: You got some more notes from the super. (Shows Joey the notes)
Joey: Oh man, this guy will not leave me alone! (Reading from the notes) “Wet towels cannot be left in the courtyard.” Uh, yeah they can, I did it. “Underwear is not appropriate hot tub attire.” Why not?
Michael: Uh, maybe because when it’s wet, it’s see-through.
Joey: (Looks down) Hey, hey, how ‘bout that?
Alex: Hey, I know that you were upset about your grill, so I made you a list of places around that make good burgers, and also, a couple of my favorite restaurants. (Hands him the note) And, there’s your pee-pee.
Joey: This is great. Hey, thanks for doing this. Say, Alex, have you met my nephew Michael?
Alex: Not officially, no. (Shakes Michael’s hand) It’s nice to meet you Michael.
Michael: Yeah, golly, yeah. Uh, hi, wow.
Joey: Why don’t you save some of that magic for tonight? Hwy, you know any of these places? (Hands Michael the list)
Michael: Umm..this is weird.
Michael: (Picks up one of the super’s note) The handwriting on this list looks a lot like the handwriting on the notes from the super. Check it out. It’s the same. You know what this means?
Joey: Alex and the super had the same handwriting teacher!
Michael: Uh, or…
Joey: Alex is the super! Or..Alex and the super have a secret-
Michael: No, no. You had it.
Joey: Wait a second. Wait a second. If Alex is the super, that means she lied to me. That sucks.
Michael: The same handwriting teacher. (Laughs)
Joey: (Imitating Michael) Uh, golly. Hi. Gee. Wow.
[Scene : Joey’s House]
Joey: God, it took you forever to get ready.
Michael: Just like an hour and a half. It usually takes Mom like two hours.
Joey: That is because she is a woman. Something which you are not.
Michael: Well, you look really nice.
Joey: I am also not a woman. We don’t do that! But thanks –Okay come on, let’s go!
Michael: Great, let me just make sure I’ve got everything. I’ve got some money. I got my fake ID..
Michael: Yeah, these are cool. Some guys at Cal Tech made these. They’re impossible to tell apart from the real thing. But, I did have a little fun with it. Check out the name. (Shows Joey)
Joey: Neils Bohr?
Michael: The famous physicist. He developed the-
Joey: No thanks, nope. Look, uh, Michael, as your teacher, I feel like we should talk a little bit about your rap. Okay? Now, we have to take your greatest weakness, your intelligence, and turn that into a strength, okay? Now, what kind of stuff are you smart about?
Michael: Uh, I know physics.
Joey: No. Next.
Michael: Uh, I enjoy cubing.
Joey: What’s cubing?
Michael: That’s when people share different strategies to solve Rubik’s cubes.
Joey: Ehh. Next.
Michael: Uh, also, speed cubing.
Joey: Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Next!
Michael: Uh, I’m pretty knowledgeable about astronomy.
Joey: That’s like, stars?
Joey: Yeah, okay. Yeah, that could work. Yah, yeah, okay. You take a girl outside. You show her the stars, very romantic. Maybe it gets a little chilly. You slip your arm around her. (Puts his arm around Michael)
Michael: You’re starting to feel like another teacher I had. Uh, he got fired.
Joey: All right! Are you ready?
Joey: Let’s go.
[They turn to leave when they hear a knock on the door]
Gina: (From Outside) Hey guys, it’s me.
Michael: What are we going to do? She’s gonna want to come with us.
Joey: Pretend we’re not here.
Gina: (Looks through the window and sees them) Hey. Don’t make me use my key!
Joey: (Opens the door) Hey.
Gina: Hey. Look at you two all dressed up. Where are we going?
Joey: Uh..nowhere. Nowhere. We’re just hanging out.
Michael: Just a quiet night at home, Mom.
Gina: Well I know you’re going out, Michael. You got your shoulder pads on.
Joey: (To Michael) You’re not a woman from the 80’s.
[Michael takes out his shoulder pads]
Gina: So, what’s going on?
Joey: Well, we were gonna go to this bar down the street.
Gina: Sounds like fun, I’m in.
Michael: Uhh, yeah, I don’t know. I’m not sure you should come, Mom. We were maybe thinking of, you know, talking to some girls.
Gina: (Putting on lipstick) Oh, then you definitely want me there. I happen to be a great wingman. (To Joey) Remember when I hooked you up with cousin Marie?
Joey: Yeah, thanks a lot. You know how many Hail Marys I had to say for that?!
Gina: Come on, let’s go. This is gonna be fun, the three of us out together.
Michael: You know, I really think it might be better for the two of us to do this alone.
Gina: Oh. Okay, I understand.
Michael: No, well, just for tonight. We can all do something tomorrow.
Gina: No, that’s fine, really. I mean, if you want it to be just the two of you, then I think you should do that.
Michael: I feel terrible.
Gina: I know. I know. I forget how sensitive she can be. (Looks at Gina making vulgar gestures through the window) And classy.
[Scene : Michael and Joey at the bar]
Joey: (Talking to some girl) Alright, great. I’ll give you a call. (Walks back over to Michael) And that is how it’s done.
Michael: Wow, you got her number. That girl was gorgeous.
Joey: Yeah, she lives in Long Beach. Where’s that?
Michael: Uh, you take the 10 to the 405 to the 710-
Joey: Sorry Betty, it’s not meant to be.
Michael: So, how are the girls from LA compared to the girls from New York?
Joey: Uh, well, it’s a little early. I don’t want to jinx it but they may be trashier. All right, now, the first thing you want to do is find someone your attracted to right? You see anyone you like?
Michael: Well, the lady bartender’s certainly attractive.
Joey: Oh, good eye. Good eye. No chance. Bartenders get hit on constantly, so there’s a very high level of difficulty. You might want to start with that sorority girl over there whose friends are carrying her to the bathroom.
Michael: I don’t think so. She doesn’t look very smart.
Joey: Oh no, maybe you won’t co-author a book together.
Michael: That girl. (Points) She looks interesting.
Joey: Great. Okay, go talk to her.
Michael: Alright here we go. (Adjusts his shoulder pads)
Joey: You put ‘em back in?
Michael: Maybe someone here wants a woman from the eighties!
[Michael goes to walk over to the girl, but he is stopped by a security guard.]
Security: Sorry, we got an anonymous call that you’re underage. We’re gonna have to ask you to leave.
Michael: You got a call about me?
Security: Well the woman said to look for the handsome genius accompanied by the Tony Danza general.
Michael: I can’t believe this!
Security: Come on, let’s go.
Michael: I was just about to score.
Joey: (To the Security Guard) Hey, you really think I look like Tony Danza? (The guard shrugs) Hey, good enough, come on.
[Scene : Joey’s House. Gina is already there.]
Gina: Hey guys, are all the girls you picked up coming separately?
Michael: I can’t believe you! You called the bar! Why?
Gina: Why? Because you shouldn’t have been there. I never drank alcohol before I was 21.
Joey: (Laughs but Gina glares at him) She’s right, yeah.
Michael: I just, I can’t..nevermind. (Starts to leave, but Joey stops him)
Joey: No, no, no, Michael. You’re upset. You tell your mother how you feel.
Michael: It’s just, okay, I wanted some time away from you, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask. You ruined my night, Mom, and Joey’s. And that’s selfish.
Joey: Good, good. You’re getting it out. What else? What else?
Michael: I hate that you made me take flute lessons!
Joey: Uh, okay, we’re going a little wide now. Let’s bring it back. Bring it back.
Michael: I just, I can’t believe you couldn’t give me on night on my own.
Gina: Look, I’m sorry. But you have to understand, you abandoning me is my worst nightmare.
Joey: Then you haven’t had my monkey dream.
Gina: I was afraid when you moved out that you wouldn’t want me to be a part of your life anymore, and it would just be the two of you going out and having fun without me. And now, that’s what’s happening!
Joey: Hey Gina, come on, now..
Gina: Well, I just don’t understand why I can’t come too. Aren’t I a fun mom? Didn’t I buy a case of beer for you and your friends on your eighteenth birthday?
Michael: Yeah. Then you drank it yourself, and heckled us while we played Trivial Pursuit.
Gina: Come on, just give me a chance! Let’s try it one night. It’ll be an expiriment, like the thing you put in the fridge, that Joey ate.
Michael: Okay, I guess we could try it.
Gina: Plus, I could help you with the women.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m actually handling that, alright? I’m kinda his teacher in that area.
Gina: That must be a pretty involved course. How you doin’? How you doin’? How you doin’?
Joey: Worked on every one of your friends!
[Scene : Outside Joey’s House]
Joey: I, uh, I got another note from the super. What an idiot. Spelled unacceptable with two C’s.
Alex: That’s how you spell unacceptable.
Joey: Interesting that you’d know that! (Alex is confused) So, how are ya? You doin’ well?
Alex: Yeah, I’m fine.
Joey: Really? Just fine? Not great, or say, super?
Alex: Alright, what’s up?
Joey: I’ll tell you what’s up! You’re game is up, okay? You can’t fool me. I know you’re the super..or his handwriting teacher!
Alex: The super? Where did you even get that?
Joey: Okay, enough! If you don’t admit you’re the super right now, I’m gonna..I’m gonna break this chair (Picks up one of the chairs)
Alex: Okay! All right, fine! I’m the super!
Joey: (Throws the chair down anyways, and it breaks) I am really worked up right now!
Alex: Well, now you know, it’s out in the open.
Joey: So why did you lie in the first place?
Alex: Okay, I didn’t lie! You never asked me directly, and I just didn’t volunteer the information.
Joey: Okay, the lawyer logic isn’t gonna work with me, or any other kind of logic for that matter!
Alex: Look, I didn’t tell you I was the super because I thought we were getting along, okay? It felt good, because everybody in this building hates me and my stupid notes. They..they call me The Notsie.
Joey: Oh.. (Laughs)
Alex: It’s not funny! And the crazy thing is, it’s not even my job. It’s my husband’s job, but he’s away a lot, so I have to do it. And if I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do it well. So I guess, you’re just going to have to go ahead nad hate me like everybody else!
Joey: Hey. I don’t hate you.
Alex: You don’t? You should. I mean, I leave these annoying notes, and I made you take away your grill.
Joey: Yeah, but..Look, I don’t know many people out here. Okay? I mean, I got my family, but they’re kinda nuts. Okay? I could use someone normal, and you show a lot of promise.
Alex: Really? That’s so nice. I don’t know what to say. I think I’m gonna cry.
Joey: You have got yourself some mood swings. So uh..we’re good?
Alex: Yeah, yeah, we’re good.
Joey: You want to give me another note, don’t you?
Alex: It’s the last one, I promise!
Joey: But I didn’t..Oh, yes I did, yep.
[Scene : Joey, Michael, and Gina at that bar]
Gina: This is gonna be great, Michael. There are lots of cute girls here. Ooh, except for her, what a tramp.
Joey: That’s a mirror, Gina.
Gina: I am not talking about me.
Joey: Alright Michael, first thing we gotta do, is pick out some good prospects. Now, you’re gonna want to play the numbers.
Michael: What do you mean?
Joey: Well, it’s important to choose someone at the same level of hotness as yourself. You could go two ponts either way, but I wouldn’t do much more than that. For example, I’m a 9, okay? So, I can hit on a 7, or a hypothetical 11.
Joey: Another option for me, is a 4 and a 5. Okay? Three 3’s. And, I wouldn’t recommend this, nine 1’s.
Michael: Okay, so, what number am I?
Michael: Wow. Honest. Okay.
Joey: Okay, alright. Why don’t you start with that 7 over there? She looks nice.
Gina: You can’t just send him out, he doesn’t even know what to say.
Joey: No, no, no. We covered that. Remember, Michael? Talk about the stars.
Gina: (To Michael) Oh honey, if you’re gonna talk about the stars, I’m gonna have to downgrade you to a four.
Joey: You got a better idea?
Gina: Yeah, I do. Does this place have a mechanical bull? Women really love to see how a man moves. All like..(She gets up and dances like she’s riding on a bull)
Michael: Mom, sit down!
Joey: Alright, forget the stars, alright. On to Plan B – The Accidental Bump. You ready? “Oh, sorry, I –Ooh, hi”
Gina: Don’t listen to him. You know, I think it would be easier if you sit here and I bring you girls. What do you like? Big chest?
Michael: You know, I think I’m just gonna go up to the girl and start talking.
Gina: Okay, just make sure your nice to her.
Joey: Yeah, but not too nice.
Gina: Compliment her.
Joey: Ignore her.
Gina: Compliment her, then ignore her.
Gina: Make sure you ask her, her name.
Joey: And then call her a different name.
Gina: And make eye contact.
Joey: Yeah, but don’t stare at her.
Gina: You want to seem interested.
Joey: But completely bored.
Gina: Just be yourself.
Joey: No, no! Pretend to be somebody else.
Michael: Okay! I think I’d like you to leave.
Michael: It’s just a lot of advice. It’s putting a lot of pressure on me, and I think I’ll just do better if I’m by myself.
Joey: Wow. Okay, I guess we better go.
Gina: (Looking in the mirror) Damn it, that is me!
[Scene : Joey and Gina at Joey’s House]
Joey: I can’t believe Michael’s still not home yet.
Gina: I know, it’s taking a while. You think that means he scored?
Joey: No. I really wanted to help him with this stuff, but it was hard. Can I tell you a secret? He’s weird.
Gina: Can I tell you a secret? I know.
Joey: He’s just so different from us. I mean, can you imagine having trouble with the opposite sex?
Gina: The only thing that ever slowed me down was that little bastard.
Joey: And he’s so, so smart. Where’s he get that from?
Gina: I don’t know. It’s like he’s some alien sent from another planet to make me feel stupid.
Joey: Well I’m here now, okay? So the dummies outnumber the aliens. Just, I feel bad, ya know? I’m his uncle. I really wanna help him with stuff. If I can’t help him with girls, I don’t know what else I got.
Gina: No, you are helping him. I mean, he’s out on a Saturday night. Normally, he’d be at the library studying. Oh, if he left the bar and went to the library I am going to kill him.
Gina: How’d it go?
Michael: I got a phone number.
Joey: Are you gonna call her?
Michael: I think so.
Gina: Call her now!
Joey: No, no. Wait three days.
Gina: No, you want her to know you like her.
Joey: Play hard to get.
Gina: Take her to dinner and a movie.
Joey: Bring her a slice and some porn.
Gina: Joey, that’s disgusting.
Joey: Worked on all of your friends!
[Scene : Michael and Joey outside Joey’s House at night]
Joey: I don’t know, Michael. I think this stars thing could work.
Michael: Okay, I’ll give it a shot sometime.
Joey: Try it now.
Michael: Uh, okay. Well, um that’s the Persius cluster. It’s one of the most massive objects in the entire universe. It kinda makes you feel small, doesn’t it?
Joey: It does, Michael. Continue.
Michael: Well, it’s uh, it’s 320 million light-years away. The universe is so vast and empty. It makes me glad we have each other. (Puts his arm around Joey)
Joey: What are you doing? I’m a 9!