[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Gina, Alex & Joey – Joey gets a gift basket]
Joey: You’re probably wondering why I’m getting a gift basket.
Basket Delivery Guy: Not really.
Joey: I was nominated for a Daytime Soap Award. Again!
Basket Delivery Guy: That’s great.
Joey: You’re right. It is weird. You know, ‘cause now I’m on Primetime, but I’m nominated for my work on Days Of Our Lives. I’m up for best death scene.
Basket Delivery Guy: Can I go?
Joey: Aw, I wish I could take you, but seating is limited.
[Basket Delivery Guy Leaves]
Joey: Oh, it takes it out of you, but you gotta do it for the fans. Oh, Gina, I meant to tell you, I get to bring a guest to the awards show, and I thought it would be nice if I took my sister.
Gina: Really? You don’t wanna bring a date?
Joey: Nah. I could bring a nice girl, but I’d rather bring you.
Gina: I know exactly what to wear. I got this new outfit; that top is just suspenders.
Joey: No, no, no. Gina, this is a big night for me. I’m up for an award. You know, maybe you can dress up. People will be in fancy gowns.
Gina: Oh, I have a very special gown. It requires four C batteries.
Joey: I haven’t seen it, but maybe that’s not the one.
Alex: If you want, um, I could loan you a dress. No, I have one that my husband always says would look great on you. Is that weird?
Gina: Okay, I’ll do it. I can still be dirty on the inside.
Joey: That’s the spirit!
Alex: So, who’s the basket from?
Joey: Uh, Alex, Gina and Michael. Aww. That’s three names on a pretty small basket.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael]
Joey: Hey. They just sent me a copy of the clip they’re going to play at the awards show. You wanna see it?
Joey: All right. Uh, let me set the scene up for you. Uh.. (Pauses) It’s been a while since I’ve seen it. Let’s just watch.
(Joey turns on the tape – Dr. Ramoray and his nurse, Morgan, are operating)
Dr. Ramoray: Forceps. (Morgan hands him a Forceps) Retractor. (Morgan hands him a retractor) Scalpel. (Morgan stabs him in the side with a scalpel) Aah! Morgan, why?
Morgan: Because the man you’re operating on is my husband.
Dr. Ramoray: I need twenty cc’s of… betrayal. (Falls to the floor)
(Joey turns off the tape)
Michael: Well, that’s uh.. I’m not sure what to say.
Joey: Then I’ll say it. Wow! I’ll see ya later.
Michael: Where are you going?
Joey: I gotta get to the gym. I wanna get a workout in before the awards show. You know, a little run and maybe some push-ups.
Michael: How many push-ups are you gonna do?
Joey: I don’t know. Fifty?
Michael: Fifty. That’s impressive. Is that with or without your skirt on?
Joey: Are you trash talking me?
Michael: Me? No, no. Fifty is a lot of push-ups... for someone without a Y chromosome.
Joey: Seriously, it’s not clear what you’re doing. I just wanna be sure before I hit you.
Michael: No, I’m just saying I could do at least 100 push-ups, man.
Joey: I’m doing fifty in a row. Not over the coarse of my lifetime.
Michael: Okay. All right, big guy. I didn’t wanna make you feel bad, okay? But watch this.
(Michael begins to do push-ups with his knees on the ground, his back arched, and barely moving his arms at all)
Michael: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Twenty-four. Twenty-five. Twenty-six—
Joey: What the hell are you doing?!
Michael: Oh, you jealous, buddy? It doesn’t stop there! Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty. Thirty—
Joey: Let me guess, you’re mom showed you how to do a push-up?
Michael: That’s right, bitch!
Joey: That’s not how men do push-ups. Okay? When you do a real push-up, you’re knees are off the ground, and you hold yourself by your hands and your toes.
Michael: Okay, that’s physically impossible.
Joey: It’s not that hard, just try it.
Michael: Uh huh. I should be able to do a bunch of these.
(Michael tries to do a push-up but doesn’t even get an inch of the ground)
Michael: Ugh! That’s very funny, Joey. Get your foot off my back.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey – Alex Enters]
Alex: Aw, you look so nice. I just wanted to tell you good luck tonight. Um, if you win, are you gonna thank me?
Joey: Uh, not by name, no, but I am gonna thank a certain special lady to cover all my bases. And if you wanna think that that applies to you, you go right ahead.
Alex: Is that your speech?
Joey: No, no. I’m presenting Best Supporting Actress. I just got the list of nominees and I’m having trouble with this one name. How do you say this?
Alex: I think it’s Mariska Cechritapovich.
Joey: I think we have a problem.
(Gina cracks open the front door)
Gina: Okay, I’m coming in, but I don’t want anybody to laugh at me.
Joey: Oh my God, Gina!
Alex: You looks beautiful.
Gina: Shut up. I look ridiculous.
Joey: No, no, no. You look great.
Gina: I don’t know if I can do this.
Alex: She looks so uncomfortable.
Joey: Oh, I know that look. She’s wearing underwear.
(Gina nods; Michael enters and hangs a chin up bar between the back door)
Michael: Okay, all right, Joey. I’ll admit it, I did kind of embarrass myself before with the push-ups, but I do have great upper body strength. Watch me do a chin up. Oh my God, Mom. Look at you, no cleavage. Where are you gonna keep your car keys and your flask?
Gina: I have to carry a handbag.
Michael: Okay, so Joey, how many chin ups can you do?
Joey: I don’t know. Ten, twenty.
Michael: Is that the number of boobs you have ‘cause you’re a girl?
Alex: Is that supposed to be trash talk?
Alex: It makes me sad.
Michael: Because there’s something I’d like to show you. You see, I happen to be very good at doing chin-ups. So, prepare to be impressed. Mom, do my legs.
(Gina holds up Michael’s legs while he “pulls” himself up)
Michael: Oh, yeah. Oh, yes! I’m feeling strong today! What’s the matter, Joey? Too shocked to count out loud? What’s that?
Gina: Oh, good job, hon. It’s all you Michael!
[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Joey & Gina]
Man: All right, Mr. Tribbiani, I’ll come get you when it’s time to present. Please, allow me ma’am.
Gina: Ma’am? Huh. Thank you, your honor.
Joey: It’s weird to be back with this crowd. I know a lot of these people from Days Of Our Lives. Hey Paul, how’s the soap world treating you?
Paul: Soap world, huh? I guess you think you’re a big man now ‘cause you’ve moved on to Primetime. I guess you think you’re better than me.
Joey: Well, I haven’t really thought about it, but yeah I do a little bit. Good seeing you buddy.
Gina: Oh, hot girl, 2 o’clock.
Joey: Oh, no, no, no. That’s one of the women in the category I’m presenting. I cannot get her name right. How do you say this?
Gina: Nom-in... Nominees.
Joey: That’s not what I was asking and it took you way too long.
Mariska: Hey, you’re Joey Tribbiani, right? I’m Mariska.
Joey: Oh, nice to meet you. Yeah, this is my sister, Gina.
Mariska: Hey, nice dress.
Gina: Oh yeah? Nice face!
Joey: Uh Gina, she was complimenting you.
Gina: Oh, I’m sorry. Um, thank you, dear. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get a drink.
(Gina curtsies and leaves)
Joey: Say, that last name of yours is pretty tough. Uh, how do you pronounce it?
Mariska: Cechritapovich. It’s simple. It starts with a soft C. Then the CH is pronounced as a hard K, and then the accent is on PO, the fourth syllable.
Joey: Oh. Catocrouchipo.
[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards-Backstage – Joey & Man]
Man: Okay, Joey, you’re on in ten seconds.
Joey: Uh, okay, wait. Real quick, how do you say this name?
Man: Oh, here’s a way to remember: Uh, the first name’s Mariska like Mariska Hargitay, and the second, Cechritapovich, like Magdalena Cechritapovich, the Chechnyan tennis player.
Man: You’re on.
Announcer: Now, presenting the award for best supporting actress in a daytime drama, and nominee himself tonight, Joey Tribbiani.
(Joey walks across the stage and stops at the podium)
Joey: When I played Dr. Drake Ramoray, I had a lot of patients. These nominees tonight also have a lot of patience in waiting for their award. (Laughs) That’s solid. And now, the nominees: From Passions, Kimberly Evans. From One Life To Live, Cheri Teasdale. And from General Hospital, Mariska Cechritapovich. Yes! Marissa Cechritapovich!
(Mariska gets up from her table, thinking that she won the award, and not realizing that Joey only said her name again because he was happy he pronounced it correctly)
Mariska: I won! I won!
Joey: No, no, no, no. Well, maybe. (Opens the envelope) No. No, no!
(Mariska walks onto the stage)
Mariska: Oh my gosh, I don’t know who to thank. I mean, I didn’t even prepare a speech. It was such a long shot.
Joey: Can I talk to you for a second?
(Mariska pushes Joey away)
Mariska: Grandma, I know you’re up there watching. You said I could do it and you were right! Oh, thank you. This means so much to me, mostly because I was nominated with two brilliant actresses who deserve this so much more than I do.
Joey: Especially Kimberly Evans, of Passions.
Mariska: Thank you.
[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards-Backstage – Joey, Mariska & Man]
Mariska: I’m so excited. I can’t believe I won. This is amazing, although you did slightly mispronounce my name.
Joey: It must’ve been close. You ran up there pretty damn quick.
Man: Congrats, Mariska. Joey, can I talk to you for a second?
Man: What happened out there? You said the wrong name!
Joey: Um, no I didn’t.
Man: Yes you did. I know the names of all the winners.
Joey: Really? C’mon, is the J-Man bringing home the hardware?
Man: This is a serious problem.
Joey: Okay, look, I know. I’m sorry, but can’t we just announce that I made a mistake and give the real winner the award?
Man: Are you crazy? That would call into question the credibility of the show. Every award would be suspect. Sexiest Couple, Best Smile, Favorite Ghost, Least Favorite Ghost.
Joey: But I feel so bad for Kimberly Evans—
Man: Look! I know people, and if you say anything, I’ll have you banned from every award show… on TBS.
[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Joey & Kimberly Evans]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be returning from commercial in two minutes.
Joey: Hey, Kimberly Evans? Hi, I’m Joey Tribbiani. I’m sorry you didn’t win before. Are you okay?
Kimberly: I’ve been better.
Joey: Oh, well it’s probably not about the award; maybe you have a disease?
Kimberly: I never should have gotten my hopes up, but it makes sense that Mariska won. After all, I only studied at Julliard, and she was the loose one on Real World: Seattle.
Joey: Well hey, look at it this way: There’s always next year.
Kimberly: I don’t think so. My character died. Of natural causes. That felt good.
Joey: Well, I’ll bet you probably had lots of other opportunities.
Kimberly: Sure! I’m a fifty-one-year-old actress in Hollywood. The doors are flying right open for me! My agent submitted me for a lifeguard on an Ashton Kutcher movie, and I’ve got a really good feeling.
Joey: Kimberly, I am so sorry you didn’t win.
Kimberly: Oh, please. I guess I’m just not good enough.
Joey: No, no. You are good. You don’t need some trophy to tell you that.
Kimberly: It’s not about the trophy. It’s what it represents.
Joey: What do you mean?
Kimberly: It would’ve been an opportunity for me to stand in front of my peers and finally be recognized for twenty-five years of hard work and sacrifice. That’s why I’m upset.
Joey: Would it, uh—would it help if we made out?
Kimberly: (Pauses) No.
Joey: Fair enough.
[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Gina & Woman]
Gina: Wow, that is a beautiful gown.
Woman: You like my dress?
Gina: What’s not to like? Rhinestones, spandex, that chain that starts there, ends there, awesome!
Woman: Can I just say something? I don’t get chicks like you. I mean, you got this great body. Why do you want to hide it?
Gina: I dressed like this because my brother wanted me to.
Woman: Oh, who’s he?
Gina: Joey Tribbiani.
Woman: The actor?
Gina: Uh huh.
Woman: Oh, I would so do him.
Gina: Aw, thank you! Where are my manners? I’m sure I would do your brother too.
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Michael & Alex]
Alex: Just so you know, if Joey wins his award tonight, he’s going to thank a certain special lady, that’s me!
(Michael gasps as he tries to do a chin-up)
Michael: I just did one.
Alex: No you didn’t.
Michael: Ugh. I can’t do it. I’m not a man.
Alex: Don’t feel bad. These things are impossible. I don’t know how anyone ever—
(Alex does a chin-up)
Alex: Oh, wow, look at that. Hey, I’m pretty good at this. (Michael glares at her) I mean, oh, it’s so hard.
Michael: This is so humiliating. Why can’t I just do it?
Alex: The only reason I can do it is because I weigh less. You’re a man. You’re big and strong. (Puts her hand on Michael’s shoulder) Are those your bones? You feel elderly.
[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Gina & Joey]
Gina: There you are. The producer was looking for you. They’re gonna announce your award in fifteen minutes.
Joey: I can’t think about that right now. I feel too guilty.
Gina: Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa.
Joey: Well you can change the outfit, but you’re still the same old pain in the ass. I just wish there was something I could do to fix this.
Gina: Well, maybe you could convince Mariska to give up her award.
Joey: How am I going to do that?
Gina: Come on, you’re good with women. Use your charm.
Joey: Huh, yeah, you’re right. Maybe I’ll win her over with some witty conversation.
Joey: Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m gonna hit her with my sex ray!
(Joey walks over to Mariska; Mariska is talking to Paul)
Mariska: There’s my good luck charm.
Joey: Hey, Mariska. Can I talk to you for a second?
Paul: Whoa, chief. We’re in the middle of a conversation. Do you think I should just walk away because you’re on a big time show?
Joey: That’d be great. Thanks, buddy.
(Paul leaves; Joey & Mariska sit at a table)
Joey: Look, I don’t know about you, but when we were up on that stage together, I felt a real connection. Now, we could play a lot of games, but I’m not about that, so let me just put this out there. We owe it to ourselves as two beautiful people to seize this moment. So let me ask you, do you want to do something wild? Something crazy? Something you’ll never forget?
Mariska: Yes! Yes, I do.
Joey: Give your award to Kimberly Evans.
Joey: That would be so hot.
Mariska: What are you talking about?
Joey: Okay, look, I said the wrong name up there before. You didn’t really win.
Mariska: Oh my God! I didn’t win?
(Joey picks up Mariska’s award)
Mariska: Not so fast. Everyone thinks I won this award and that’s not going to change.
Joey: What do you mean?
Mariska: If you tell anyone what happened, I’m going to tell them you said my name on purpose because you want to sleep with me.
Joey: That’s blackmail!
Mariska: That’s right. You don’t work on a soap opera without picking up a few things.
Joey: Well I’ve picked up a few things too. If you don’t give that back, I’m not going to operate on your husband.
Joey: I got nothing!
[Scene: The Daytime Soap Awards – Gina & Woman]
Gina: I am gonna get a drink. Do you like tequila?
Woman: Do I?
(Woman pulls a bottle of tequila out of her dress)
Gina: You are like a sister.
Woman: When I first saw you, I had no idea you were gonna be this much fun.
Gina: It’s funny the way people judge. I mean, tonight I dress like this for once and people think I’m all fancy, but if I dressed the way I normally do, people would think we were prostitutes. The lesson is don’t judge people by the way they dress.
Woman: Actually, I am a prostitute.
Gina: Oh. Then the lesson is maybe I should dress different.
(Gina walks over to Joey)
Gina: Hey, how are you doing, honey?
Joey: I’m okay. It’s been kind of a rough night, you know? I said the wrong name up there. My sex ray is on the fritz.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. We will be back from commercial in thirty seconds.
(Kimberly Evans walks over Gina & Joey)
Kimberly: I just wanted to thank you for being so nice to me earlier, but I have to get home now so I can catch my sixteen-year-old smoking weed in the basement.
Joey: Hey, hey. Please, sit.
(Kimberly sits down)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, from General Hospital, Jack Wilson.
Jack: Nominees for Best Death Scene are: From One Life To Live, Gerard St. Claire. From Passion, Mitch O’Leary. And from Days Of Our Lives, Joey Tribbiani.
Kimberly: Good luck, I hope you win.
Joey: No, I told you before, it doesn’t matter what they think.
Jack: And the winner is… Joey Tribbiani.
(Joey shrieks and runs up on stage)
Joey: Oh my God, I can’t believe I won this, and against some big competition. Gerard, eaten by wolves. Bravo. Huh? And Mitch, you were smothered by a pillow but great leg-acting. And also, there is a certain special someone out there I would like to thank. You know who you are.
[Cut to: The Audience – Gina points to herself]
[Cut to: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Alex and Michael point to themselves]
[Cut back to: The Day Time Soap Awards: Joey on-stage]
Joey: It’s just so amazing being up her, finally getting recognized for my work. It really, really does feel good. (Look into the audience and sees Kimberly Evans) Uh, there’s someone here who really deserved an award tonight and didn’t get one. So, I’d like to give this trophy to Kimberly Evans. Kimberly, come on up here.
Kimberly: (Shocked) What?
Joey: Let’s clap her up here everybody.
(The audience applauses; Kimberly walks up on stage)
Joey: Come on. Wow, that’s more applause than I got. Uh, this is in recognition of a career full of wonderful performances. You are truly loved. This belongs to you.
Kimberly: I don’t know what to say. To be standing up here in front of all you beautiful people, so many friends, so many memories. It’s so wonderful, and what a generous gesture from Joey Tribbiani.
Joey: No, no, no, no. This isn’t about me; this is about you. Come on, everybody. You know her, you love her, let’s give it up one more time for Mariska Cechritapovich. Huh?
[Scene: Joey & Michael’s Apartment – Joey & Michael]
Michael: Hey, Josephine.
Michael: Ok, so I may not have been able to do a push-up or a chin-up, but I just beat Alex at arm wrestling.
Joey: Unimpressive, and yet, I doubt it.
Michael: Okay, I’ll prove it to you. Let’s go.
(Michael and Joey put their arms in position)
Michael: All right, you ready?
Michael: One, two, three. Go!
(Michael grabs on with his other hand and pulls Joey’s arm down)
Michael: Oh yeah. Nice playing with you man. Unh.