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[Scene: Joey and Lockwood are hanging from trees in harnesses, shooting a scene]

Joey: (on the phone) Hey Bobbie, I'm about to shoot a scene...Movie is going great except I hate my co-star Lockwood, that jerk...that's a good question, I think he knows how I feel.

Lockwood: I do.

Joey: (To Bobbie) You know what? I'll call you later from my trailer.

Lockwood: I cannot believe you have a trailer that's bigger than mine.

Joey: You know what Lockwood?  I'm sick of your snobby little comments. Why don't you just come out and say it, huh? You think you're better than me.

Lockwood: I think I'm much, much, much, much better than you. I've said it to your face every day.

Joey: Yeah, well, it got back to me!

Lockwood: I can't believe I have to share a tree with you.

Joey: Well, then get your own tree.

(Joey tries to kick Lockwood)

Lockwood: What? Are you trying to kick me? Don't you try and kick me! That's it!

(Lockwood grabs Joey's harness and pulls him closer, as the producer yells)

Producer: And... action!

Lockwood: (suddenly in character) I want you to know something. I love you, Ron. I think of you like a son.

Joey: I am not going to leave you here to die, Agent Wilson.

Lockwood: If this is the end.. it's been an honour working with you.

Producer: Cut!

Lockwood: You hack! I am sick of being stuck next to this imbecile! How do you get out of this thing?

Joey: Here. Let me help you. (Pulls a cord on Lockwood's harness and Lockwood falls to the ground screaming)

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: California Tech College - Joey & Michael]

Michael: Thank you so much for picking me up.

Joey: No problem. Hey, on the way home we can stop by my house and see what it looks like on a Tuesday.

Michael: Alright. Okay, great. I just gotta go pick up my books. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.

(Michael walks off)

Joey: No problem. I'll be right here.

(Joey sits down, but gets immediately back up when a woman [Maria] enters the hallway. He follows her into a classroom with a sign on the door, "English As A Second Language")

Teacher [Mrs. Lafferty]: Nice to see you again, Maria.

Maria: Hello, Mrs. Lafferty.

Mrs. Lafferty: (noticing Joey) Welcome. What is your name?

Joey: Uh, I'm Joey.

Mrs. Lefferty: Joey, you have a wonderful accent.

Joey: Thank you.

Mrs. Lafferty: Joey, this is an 'English As a Second Language' class for beginners. Are you sure you're in the right place?

Joey: (Looks at Maria who is smiling at him) Oh, I'm in the right place.

Mrs. Lafferty: Let's get started. I hope everyone practiced counting to ten over the weekend.

(Everyone agrees)

Mrs. Lafferty: Great. Let's do it together.

All: One... two... three... (Joey joins in proudly) four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... ten.

Student [Boris]: (stands up) Eleven, twleve!

Mrs. Lafferty: Very good, Boris! Somebody's gonna get a gold star.

Boris: Thank you, thank you.

Joey: (standing up) Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen!

(Everyone claps)

[Scene: Bobbie's Office - Bobbie & Gina]

Bobbie: Gina, get in here!

Gina: What's going on?

Bobbie: You broke the one rule that I have for my employees. You slept with a client.

Gina: That is not true.

Bobbie: Really? (picks up an actor's headshot) Does this face look familiar to you?

Gina: No.

Bobbie: How about now? (holds up headshot in front of her face) Ooh, Gina, I like it when you do it like that. Do you like it when I do it to you like this? Ooh, I love your big fake boobies and your cheap New York accent.

Gina: Oh, I couldn't help it, Bobbie! He manipulated me with his acting skills. He got me drunk and then the next thing I knew his hands were all over me.

Bobbie: Oh, can it!

Gina: All right, fine.

Bobbie: This guy has booked more commercials than any client I represent. Now he's so distraught he doesn't wanna be a client anymore. You've cost me thousands of dollars. So now you have to get me a new client.

Gina: I don't know how to do that.

Bobbie: Well, you better learn. You wanna be a big agent one day, don't you?

Gina: I do. More than anything.

Bobbie: Gina, you're like a daughter to me. So I'm going to tell you something that my mother once said to me: You get my money back or I'll bury you, you miserable bitch.

[Scene: A bar - Joey & Maria]

Maria: Oh, Joey. Your english so good. Can you say more words for me?

Joey: Uh, cordurouy.

Maria: Give me another.

Joey: Harpsichord.

Maria: Oh, yes.

Joey: Okay, now this is a big one.

Maria: No, don't do it. It's too dangerous.

Joey: Ibuprofen.

Maria: (breathlessly) Get the check.

(Michael & Alex enter)

Michael: What happened to you? I had to call Alex for a ride.

Joey: Excuse me one second-- Come here. (walks away from Maria) Hey.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Look, I followed this girl into a class after you left. It turns out it was an english class for foreigners.

Michael: Oh, yeah, CalTech offers that for foreign students. You know, some of the smartest people in the world are in that class.

Alex: So, you're pursuing a woman who just started learning English? I don't care how pretty she is, you just leave your nephew at the-- (sees Maria, gasps) Oh my god, what a body. Whoo, I haven't felt this way since gymnastics camp.

Joey: I don't care how hot she is, okay? I like that she's into me because I'm the smartest guy in the class. Michael, you're smart. You should totally play this card.

Michael: Oh, yeah, being smart really makes women hot. (turns to a nearby table of women) Hey ladies, who likes the transitive property? (stares blankly at Joey)

Joey: That's weird. It works for me. Hey, Maria! (Maria approaches) You like the transitive property?

Maria: Take me to the car, you sexy bastard.

[Scene: Joey's Trailer on set]

Zach: Wow, so this chair is new.

Joey: Yeah, it gives great back massages. But if you turn over on it, it's just a machine that punches you in the crotch, so..

(Gina enters)

Gina: Joey.. I need you to help me.

Joey: Uh, okay.

Gina: Bobbie's mad at me because I lost her a client.

Joey: Oh.

Gina: Do you know any actors looking for agents?

Zach: Hey, hey, look, Bobbie should represent me. I've been kicking around in this business for years. I got the goods, I swear!

Gina: Alright, let's see what you can do.

Zach: (singing very badly) There--

Gina: No!

(Zach leaves, disgruntled. Lockwood enters)

Lockwood: Excuse me.

Joey: What do you want, Lockwood?

Lockwood: I would appreciate it if you would stop parking so close to me. I can barely open the door to my car... Porshe.. because your truck is parked too close to my space.

Gina: Mr. Lockwood, I'm Gina. (shakes his hand) Joey's sister.

Lockwood: My sympathies.

Gina: I was wondering if you were totally happy with your representation. I work for Bobbie Morganstern.

Lockwood: Bobbie Morganstern? I thought she died a month ago.

Gina: Yeah, she did, for eight and a half minutes. But she's back and better than ever!

Lockwood: You know, my agents have been able to handle matters around this set as I had hoped.

Gina: Well, maybe I can be of assistance. (hands Lockwood her card) And if I can, maybe you'll consider making the switch.

Lockwood: Sound fair enough. I look forward to seeing what you can do. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some lunch... lobster.

(Lockwood leaves)

Joey: What are you doing?

Gina: What? I gotta get Bobbie a new client, and he's a big star.

Joey: You don't come to my set and try to drum up business. Look, it's weird enough my sister's working for my agent, okay? We gotta keep the business and the personal separate.

Gina: This is the first job I've ever really cared about. I gotta find somebody for Bobbie.

Joey: Well, find somebody other than Lockwood.

(Zach  reenters)

Zach: I'm afraid of who I am and how I feel, but most of all, afraid of walking out of this room and not feeling the way I feel when I'm with you. Miss Jennifer Grey, Dirty Dancing!

Joey: Yeah, definitely go with Lockwood.

[Scene: California Tech College - Joey's ESL Class]

Student [Renata]: Bill and Mary go to sch... skk...

Joey: "School!" Renata, they go to school!

Mrs. Lafferty: Okay, Joey, why don't you pick it up where Renata left off? Now this is a hard part, so take your time.

Joey: Oh, boy, yeah, this looks tough. (quickly) "The bell rang. The students all went to the auditorium with their teacher." (slams book shut) Boom! That's right, Boris. You heard it- Auditorium! Pff. (Turns to Maria)

Maria: I am so lucky to be with the smartest boy in class.Some words are so.. tug. (Trying to say "tough")

Joey: Tug? Oh, remember, I told you sometimes a "gh' sounds like an "f." Tough. Like, rough, or laugh.

Maria: Oh, Joey, make love to me tonift. (Tonight.)

Joey: That is good english.

Mrs. Lafferty: OK, I'd like everybody to take out their homework on the subjunctive tense.

(Joey leans over to look at Maria's homework)

Maria: Joey, you didn't do it?

Joey: I got it. (points to his head)

Mrs. Lafferty: If the present form of the verb "to be" is "I am," the subjunctive tense is "if I..." (Joey raises his hand) Joey.

Joey: If I was.

Mrs. Lafferty: Oh, I'm sorry, that's not correct.

Boris: (stands up) It's, uh, if I were.

(Maria looks past Joey to Boris and smiles)

Mrs. Lafferty: Very good, Boris.

Renata: (Turns to Joey) Joey are stupid.

Joey: Joey is stupid, Renata!

[Scene: Set Parking Lot - Joey runs towards the Script Supervisor, Abbey]

Abbey: Joey, where have you been?

Joey: Sorry, Lockwood's car is taking up both of our spaces. I had to park all the way on the other side of the lot and take a tour bus back here. We stopped to watch a scene from teh Gilmore Girls. I wish I had a relationship like that with my mom.

Abbey: I'm so sorry, we would've never given away your space, but your agent approved it.

Joey: What? No, there's no way she would've done that. (Digs his phone from his pocket) I'm going to call her write now and see. What's your relationship like with your mom? (begins to dial)

Abbey: Well, it's complicated. My mother and I never really--

Joey: Oh, I thought it would be short. (walks off)

[Cut to: Joey on the phone, walking up to his trailer that Gina is exiting]

Joey: (on the phone) Yeah, well, have her call me. Thanks. Bye. (hangs up) Hey, Gina, did Bobbie give my parking space to Lockwood?

Gina: Actually, I did.

Joey: What?!

Gina: I gotta get this guy as a client for Bobbie.

Joey: You have crossed the line, Gina. I loved that parking space. This is the worst thing you could've done. (enters the trailer and sees Lockwood sitting in a chair)

Lockwood: Oh, hi, what do you think of my new trailer?

Joey: I don't know, I haven't seen your new trailer.

Lockwood: Really?

Joey: (sarcastically) Really.

Lockwood: You wanna think about that for a second?

(Joey stands for a second, then begins to look around and see all of Lockwood's things in his trailer. He gasps.)

[Scene: Outside a trailer - Joey & Gina]

Joey: I cannot believe you gave Lockwood my trailer.

Gina: Well, what else was I supposed to do? I was desperate! You will like this trailer.

Joey: Wait a minute, I know this trailer; this is where they keep the extras! (The door of the trailer opens, a man dressed in a suit walks out) Hey, Waiter #2. (A man wearing a sports jersey and a painted face exits, also.) Hey, Rowdy Sports Fan! (Gina and Joey enter the trailer) There's no way I'm taking this trailer. (sniffs) What is that smell? (sees a rack of cop costumes) Sweaty Cop? That guy's gross! Wait a second, is this thing slanted?

Gina: No, Joey, you're being dramatic.

(Joey walks to the other side of the trailer and the whole thing slants, sending a rolling chair across the trailer.)

Joey: Am I?! Gina, this is unacceptable. You had no right to give away my stuff. And of all people, you give it to Lockwood?

Gina: Oh, would you stop being so selfish? I am trying to save my job here.

(Trailer door opens and Sweaty Cop enters, sending the trailer reeling to the other side)

Joey: Think of a way to do it that doesn't involve- (sees Sweaty Cop changing his clothes) Not now, sweaty cop!

(Sweaty Cop leaves)

Joey: Okay, look, I'm not going to stand for this. Get me my trailer back.

Gina: No, you owe me.

Joey: For what?

Gina: For all the times I saved your life. When you.. choked on a Superball, when you french kissed an electrical socket.

Joey: No, don't do this to me, okay? This is business. And if you've got a work problem, you've gotta deal with it yourself.

Gina: Fine, but the next time you choke on a Superball, don't you come crying to me.

Joey: I am a grown man now, okay? I think my throat can fit a Superball. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to use the bathroom that I share with eight other dudes.

(Joey goes into the bathroom, Gina runs to the opposite side of the trailer and jumps, tipping the trailer and Joey)

Joey: (from in the bathroom) Not cool, Gina! Not cool!

[Scene: Joey's House - Joey, Alex, & Zach - Joey is practicing his English with a tape]

Tape: I was planning to go to the beach today, but then it started to rain.

Joey: I was planning to go to the beach today, but then it started to rain.

Zach: Dude, I think your accent's getting worse.

Alex: I've never seen you work so hard for a woman.

Joey: No, no, it's not about the woman. I'm past that. It's about the brainy guys and doing better than them. Okay? People in the class are picking up the language way too fast, and they're gaining on me. I'm starting to think those rocket scientists are smarter than me.

(Someone knocks on the door, Joey answers - it's Maria, carrying a picnic basket)

Joey: Oh, Maria, I totally forgot. I can't go on a picnic with you today. I have to study.

Maria: Why? It's just a stupid class.

Joey: A stupid class? Maria, my studies are very important to me.

Maria: There is a nice park for us to go to.

Joey: First of all, you don't end a sentence with a preposition. Okay, that is wrong. In fact, lately everything about you is wrong.... except for your awesome, awesome body. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to say goodbye to you, Maria.

Maria: But what about us?

Alex: You know, he sad goodbye!

(Maria yells in Spanish and storms out)

Alex: Aww.

Joey: What'd she say?

Alex: She thinks I'm your whore.

[Scene: Make-Up Room #1 - Lockwood & Make-Up Artist]

Lockwood: Wow, my face looks wonderful. What did you put on it?

Make-Up Artist: Nothing yet.

Lockwood: That's right.

(Make-Up Artist exits, Gina enters)

Gina: Hello, Mr. Lockwood.

Lockwood: Oh, hello there. Did you manage to get me out of that commercial?

Gina: No, I'm still working on it.

Lockwood: Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Anyone who is going to represent me is going to have to handle that kind of thing.

Gina: Oh, but I did get you all the other things you asked for. Kraft Services will be getting you blueberry cream cheese, Wardrobe will get you those sweaters, and because you don't like to learn people's names, I've let everyone on the crew know that you will be referring to them all now as Johnny.

Lockwood: That's something, I guess. Talk to you later, Johnny.

(Lockwood leaves, Joey enters)

Joey: Gina.

Gina: Joey. Not that you care, but I'm making progress with Lockwood on my own.

(Joey's phone rings)

Gina: See you later, Joey.

(Gina leaves, Make-Up Artist enters, Joey answers his phone)

Joey: (on the phone) Hey, Bobbie.

Bobbie: Hey, Joey. I'm calling about Gina. I thought I'd give you the heads up- since she lost me that client, I've been getting a lot of pressure from my partners, and I think I'm gonna have to let her go.

Joey: What? Isn't that a little harsh?

Bobbie: If I don't make an example with her, my employees will think I've gone soft. Then they'll start showing up late or asking for the day off when their family members die. And what the hell is Rosh Hashanuh?

[Scene: Lockwood's Trailer - Joey & Lockwood]

Joey: Alright, Lockwood, we need to talk.

Lockwood: I'll try to use small words.

Joey: No need, I am in an English class. Look, are you going to sign with Gina or not?

Lockwood: Well, I asked her to get me out of a job. She knows that if she makes that happen, I'm hers.

Joey: What's the job?

Lockwood: COmmercial for an Eastern European soft drink called Splort. The world's only beet-flavoured cola.

Joey: Alright, okay. What if I agreed to do the commercial for you- then would you sign with Gina?

Lockwood: I think I just might. I'll call the director and see if I can set it up.

Joey: Hey, listen, uh, it's nothing too bad, is it?

Lockwood: Oh, no.

(Joey leaves, and Lockwood smiles)

[Scene: Splort Commercial shooting - Joey is dressed as a can of Splort]

Director: Action.

Joey: Wait, I just gotta ask--

Director: Release the bees!

(Joey is surprised by the swarm of bees that begin coming towards him, and he runs away- into a tree and through bushes.)

[Scene: Joey's Trailer - Joey & Gina]

Gina: So, Lockwood is going to sign with the agency.

Joey: Hey, well, congratulations. You did it.

Gina: No, you did it. I heard what you did with the commercials and the bees and everything. It must've been awful.

Joey: It wasn't great. Apprently the bees thought the can looked like a giant flower and well, they pollinated me, Gina!

Gina: Why would you do that for me anyway? I mean, what happened to keeping business and personal separate?

Joey: Oh come on, what could I do? I couldn't let you get fired. You've been working so hard and you know what? You're actually really good at this job.

Gina: Thanks. Come on, if I'm so good, let's see if I can get you your trailer back.

Joey: Okay! (Joey stands up and the trailer tilts) Hold on, let me just puke one last time.

[Scene: ESL Classroom]

Mrs. Lafferty: Can anyone give me an example of a multiple homoynm?

Joey: I can! (raises hand, the whole class sighs) They're meaning they are, their meaning group posessive, and there meaning in that place.

Mrs. Lafferty: That's very good, Joey.

Joey: Thank you, Mrs. Lafferty.

Boris: Hey Joey, what is on your nose? It is brown, no?

Mrs. Lafferty: I wanted to tell you all how you did on your quizzes. Once again, Joey wins the prize.

Joey: Yes! Haha! (gets his gold star from the teacher) Uh, thank you. I'd like to share another American phrase with all of you, uh.. suck it!

Mrs. Lafferty: Well, that's it today, but I'll see you guys at Juan's house later tonight.

Renata: Yay, Juan, woo-hoo!

Joey: (To Renata) Wait, hold on, is something going on at Juan's house?

Renata: Uh.. I don't know.

(Renata rushes off)

Joey: Hey, Juan, are you having a party tonight?

Boris: Yes, Juan's having citizenship party tonight, but unfortunatley we have no room for pet of teacher.

Maria: Have fun studying, Joey.

(A student knocks Joey's books out of his hand)

Joey: Hey guys, wait, can't I come to the party?

Boris: I don't think you... can! (Holds up a can of Splort)

Joey: Are you drinking Splort?

(The students leaves, Joey picks up his books and notices another girl still in the classroom)

Joey: Hey, Sonja. You didn't get invited either?

(Sonja shakes her head, no)

Joey: Hey, uh, you wanna you and me go grab a cup of coffee?

Sonja: No, thank you, that would be.. how you say?.. social suicide.

(Joey looks dejected, but looks at his star and smiles proudly)

[Scene: Lockwood's Trailer - Joey & Gina]

Joey: Where is he?

Gina: I don't know. He and Bobbie are supposed to be signing the contract. (notices the contract on a table) Oh, hey, look. He signed, it's official. I am off the hook.

(Lockwood enters, buttoning up his shirt)

Lockwood: Oh, apparently those contracts are no longer valid.

Gina: What? Why not?

(Bobbie enters, putting on her shoes)

Bobbie: Uh, yeah, we're not going to be able to sign him as a client.

Lockwood: Well, I better go. I'm needed on the set. (To Gina and Joey) Johnny. Johnny. (To Bobbie) Johnny.

(Lockwood leaves)


Transcripted by Spudnik